In Love with...

A couple of weeks ago I posted an entry titled "Ready?", which was really an email that a friend sent me in response to an email update I sent out. Again, it has really been on my heart so I went to search my "old" email account to see if I could find the email that I sent that inspired her response. I found it and read it today.... it was from August 6, 2003 and here is what I wrote and almost feel like I'm feeling again:

And I think the most important thing I need to share with you all is that I AM IN LOVE. Yes, can you believe it my love life feels complete at the moment. I never thought I could ever feel this way in my whole life. Oh, I guess I should mention who I am in love with right? I am in LOVE with God like I have never been before. I know there is a song out that says "99.9% sure I have never been here before". That is me. I have loved Him since the day I opened my heart to Him. But Sunday, it just hit me so hard. How much love there is. I am so full of love and Joy right now I feel as though I am ready to burst wide open. I don't know what really brought it on. It may have been the past two months, drawing closer to Him every day, trying to allow Him to have complete control of my life, the book I was reading that day, or maybe looking back and remembering where I have been. I thought of all of the people who have been a part of my journey. All the words of encouragement from each one. I just really don't know other than I am in love in a way I have never been before. I know with out a doubt that God has a hold of the pen. He is writing my story, not me. He is the only One who knows what the next chapter holds, I only have to worry about living the page I am on right now. I don't ever want this feeling to end. I feel as though I am floating on air. I really wish I could share this love and joy with each and everyone of you in a personal way. I guess I am by sending this to you. Some of you may not understand, or think I'm weird. That is ok, I just know I don't need anything else but Him. His love has always stayed the same. I just feel so different. This is amazing I want you all to feel this.

I just knew something big was coming on a page soon, I just never imagined it would be this GREAT!!! Thank you all for being a part of my story. May God bless you in an amazing way this very moment.

You are all are loved by a wonderful God in Heaven, open your hearts to Him. It will change your life.

w/ much love,
Kimie, Kimberly, Kim, Kimster, Mich, Morton, etc...... (you know what you call me)

Subtle Way

I just love the way GOD continues to speak into my life when I feel I need Him too, or when He is reminding me that I'm walking exactly where He would have me walking at the moment.

It makes me wonder why we ever even doubt... This morning a friend shared during "Praise & Prayer Time" at church what God had been placing on her heart this week. One thing was why the Israelites took so long to enter the promise land, it was their doubt and unbelief. She encouraged us to believe and trust in God in order to enter!!

Then this week at different moments when I began to doubt, God spoke in those little subtle ways whether through a person like above or in my quiet time reading.

Some examples from "God Calling" March 17-21 are:

...You need to trust Me for everything.

...Just trust Me in everything. ...The difficult way is nearly over, but you have learnt in it lessons you could learn in no other way. ...Such wonderful things are coming to you, Joy-Peace-Assurance-Security-Health-Happiness-Laughter. Claim big, really big, things now. Remember, nothing is too big. Satisfy the longing of My Heart to give. Blessing, abundant blessing, on you both now and always. Peace.

I am here. Fear not. Can you really trust Me? I am a God of Power, as well as a Man of Love, so human, yet so divine. Just trust. I cannnot, and I will not, fail you. All is well. Courage. Many are praying for you both.

Your foolish little activities are valueless in themselves. Seemingly trivial or of seemingly great moment, all deeds are alike if directed by Me. Just cease to function except through Me. ...

...Long though the way may seem, there is not one inch too much. I, your Lord, am not only with you on the journey- I planned, and am planning, the journey. There are Joys unspeakable in the way you go....

And then just my own thoughts about a particular man in Wyoming.... and for the past two weeks classes have been reading stories about Ranches, Horses, Cowboys, and such.... Not to mention the visitors at church today sharing about a Rodeo Camp through Fellowship of Christian Cowboys....

Hmmm, subtle little hints or not?

Ready?

I've been thinking about this the past couple of days as I was remind of it for some reason.... a very good friend sent it to me back in the summer of 2003:

You may have seen this before. I have but it's been a while.

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone...to have a deep soul relationship with another...to be loved thoroughly and exclusive. But God to a Christian says NO, not until you are satisfied,fulfilled and content with being loved by me alone...with giving yourself totally and unreservedly to me...to having an intensively personal and unique relationship with me alone, discovering that only in me is your satisfaction to be found and only then will you be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you.

I want you to stop planning, stop wishing and allow me to give you the mostthrilling plan existing... one that you cannot imagine. I want you to have the best, Please allow me to bring it to you. You just keep experiencing the satisfaction that I AM. Keep listening and learning the things I tell you. You must wait. That's all. My timing is perfect for you.

Don't be anxious, don't worry. Don't look around at the things others have gotten or what I've given them. Don't look at the things you think you want. You just keep looking off and away up at me, or you'll miss what I have to show you.

And then, when you are ready, I'll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than anything you would dream of. You see, until you are ready and until the one I have for you is ready (I am working even at this moment to have both of you ready at the same time). Until you are both satisfied exclusively with me and the life I prepared for you, you won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship
with me, and is thus perfect love.

And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love. I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with me. I AM EL SHADI (Most loving and almighty). Believe and be satisfied.

'For I know the plan I have for you declares the Lord
Plans to give you hope and a future...
You will seek me and find me
when you seek me with all your heart.'
JEREMIAH 29:11,13

'Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.'
Proverbs 3:5-6

I have fallen again Kimie. Time to start over. I miss the fellowship and love I once had with Him. I wish I had half your strength.

Life's Trials

The message this morning at church was on trials we face. The scripture used was James 1: 2-4 and 12, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance mush finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." "Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him."

Pastor went on to mention that the test was like refining gold... and used 1 Peter 1: 6-9, "In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith- of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire- may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls."

I then remember the "Refiner" that I read recently:

Malachi 3:3 says: "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver." This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God.

One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study. That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver. As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities. The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says: "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver."

She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that yes,he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the
flames, it would be destroyed. The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?" He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy -- when I see my image in it." If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has His eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you.

All I know is I was reflecting on the trials I have faced in my life this morning. And how through them God has continued to refine me and prepare me for the plans He has for my life. So I do consider them pure Joy. It got me thinking about how life seems at times, but we continue to hope and trust God. Not only did verse 8 of 1 Peter 1 have me think about not seeing God, yet loving Him and believing in Him which fills me with Joy, but thinking about the man God has planned for me and that those same things are true for him.

During this weekend a song was shared with me, a familiar one, but words that have a new meaning with things happening in my life at the moment. This morning those words came to mind as I was hearing the message. The song is "God Bless the Broken Road" by Rascal Flatts:

I set out on a narrow way, many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
Yes He did

I think about the years I spent, just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost, and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there, you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

But now I'm just rolling home into my lover's arms
This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

Reminds me that GOD does have a grander plan and that life's trials are His way of making that grander plan even better. Making it worth the wait. Life's Trials can bring us Hope. Life's trials may just bring us to the path that will finally lead to that "dream come true".

Laughter

"The human race has only one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. The moment it arises, all your irritations and resentments slip away and the sunny spirit takes their place." ~Mark Twain

I NEED AND WANT MORE LAUGHTER IN MY LIFE.... Gotta lot of LOVE, just desperately need more LAUGHTER, Please LORD!!!!

Tough Road...

...BUT, what I do know with certainty is that God is in control of my life and has a wonderful plan... I Know I am fully Known, fully Loved, and He will never leave me or forsake me...

Though this license thing is actually gonna be my scariest and toughest road thus far it has already revealed some beautiful things of GOD...

Tomorrow and what this all means is uncertain...

BUT again, what I do know with certainty is that God is in control of my life and has a wonderful plan... I Know I am fully Known, fully Loved, and He will never leave me or forsake me... How awesome is that!!

1st Week 2010

So the first day of this New Year started amazingly, except for the big BUT that came.... but, that is just the same old same old in my life so we won't even go there....

However, the rest of this first week of 2010 has been the worst one ever... I've either had a fever or felt like my head and stomach/waist was gonna explode....

GOD must have a reason and purpose for this New Year starting off on such a wonderful note... I'm trying to have hope!

I'm thinking, which happened one night in a state of high fever however, that the new theme song for my love life might just have to be the chorus to Queens song "Another Bites the Dust"....just a thought :)

Another one bites the dust
Another one bites the dust
And another one gone
And another one gone
Another one bites the dust
Hey, I'm gonna get you too
Another one bites the dust

Love...

So faith, hope, love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love. ~ Corinthians 13:13

I don't have a problem with the Faith and Hope part... I think that is what keeps me going... and yes, I KNOW GOD loves me sooo very much.... Yeah, so much.... just don't 'feel' all that much sometimes... and struggle with that word "LOVE"

Well, just in one sense of the meaning... I have loved greatly and deeply in my life... GOD of course receiving and giving the most of it!!!! And I know I am loved by sooo many....

But, the love of a man.... hmmm, a different story!!! But one, I'd truly like to experience soon and very soon.... Maybe 2010 will be the year for Love in my life...

But, if not, I can let ALL the men know out there that if you really want to get married, get interested in me!!! I have about a 98% rate for those who have liked me and pursued at some point in their life get married to the woman they date/like after me. Yep, my record is about 98% since High School....

...Faith, Hope, Love.... but the greatest of these is LOVE!!! And the one most longed for!!

I Choose You...

... oh those words I have longed to hear and have heard once in my life, NO twice. Funny that those are so on my mind this particular day and then the pastor said them at church this morning.

I know God has called me with those words and continues to do so. Over the past couple of weeks He has used many things to remind me that He Loves me... and Loves me so much.

He says, "I choose you, Kimie, and I Love you so very much.".... Why is that so easy to KNOW, but so hard to feel on any given day. I don't know what God is up to and what He has planned for me around the corner or in the New Year, but....

That big but... the place where we live is that I am so very thankful that He first chose me and that I choose Him too!!!

And though I have heard those words from one other in the past.... I look forward to hearing them from someone in the future who Really Means Them almost as much as GOD does when He continuously says: I CHOOSE YOU!!

Deepest Fear....

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?" Actually, who are you not to be? We were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
~From "Akeelah and the Bee"

Life is short:

...break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably, and never regret anything that made you smile.

Thankful JOY

Our Daily Bread for today kind of hit right at home with me....

...Prepositions in our language seem like insignificant details, but they can make a big difference. The words "in" and "for" are an example.
The apostle Paul wrote, "In everything give thanks" (1 Thessalonians 5:18). That doesn't mean we have to be thankful for everything. We need not be thankful "for" the bad choices someone makes, but we can be thankful "in" the circumstances because the Lord can use the resulting difficulties for good....

That just reminds me of Romans 8:28, it is a verse that had friend has shared often with me recently as the verse she was standing upon.... another touch of how good God is.

Knowing that God can use all things for good is more than enough reason to give thanks in everything. Giving thanks in difficult circumstances is a small detail that makes a big difference. ~Julie Ackerman Link

I know God has a reason for this difficulty with my pay.... I do know already that through inquiring with CDE I found out that there is another step that needs to be done for my temporary license... so see that is already something good that has come out of this yuck...

Father, thank You that in every trial, challenge, and difficulty, You are behind the scenes working things out for our good. Help us to see Your hand in everything. Amen.
God has not promised to keep us from life's storms, but He will keep us through them. ~ODB

As always, I love when God reaches down and speaks directly through something like Our Daily Bread, right where I am at. I know this was written and put together long before this actual day, but it NEVER ceases to amaze me how it is Perfect for RIGHT NOW.

I've also been reading "Walking With God" by John Eldredge and tonight I read a section titled 'Making Room for Joy' pages 37-41...

..."The battle in your life is against your joy."... How true this has been in my life the past few years... I keep saying I don't feel like me, but the truth is I haven't experienced or felt joy in so long... Oh, I know the things in the past few that have brought a smile to my face and warmed my heart... but, to really feel joy, I don't know.

But of course. Suddenly life made sense. the hassles. The battles. The disappointments. The losses. The resignation. Why hadn't I seen it before? I mean, I face a lot of different skirmishes day to day, but now the plot, the diabolical plot behind them all came into view. I began to see how the enemy was first trying to take away all joy from my life. Wear me down. Then weary and thirsty, I would be quite vulnerable to some counterfeit joy. It would start with mild addictions, then build to something worse. Thus he would destroy all that God has done in and through me. It was so obvious. Of course.

Yes, of course... after reading Eldredge's words the light came on for me to. And so much made sense...why isn't joy a part of my waking in the morning, I've experienced it before and what exactly what it looks like full on. So where did it go? How do I get it back?

He continues after describing an awesome day with his sons:
So, why don't I wake with a joyful heart today? Joy was just here. Where did it go? I feel like I met a stranger on an airplane, and we clicked. We swapped some stories, had a few drinks, laughed together. Then I drove home to an empty house. It's like that. I had an encounter with joy. It touched a longing. Now I begin to realize I haven't even given ten minutes to joy, let alone pursued it as essential to my life.
It has to do with agreements I've made without even knowing it. ...It happens down deep in our souls where our real beliefs about life are formed. Something or someone whispers to us, Life is never going to turn out the way you'd hoped, or Nobody's going to come through, or God has forsaken you. And something in us responds, That's true. We make an agreement with it, and a conviction is formed. It seems reasonable. I think we come to more of our beliefs in this way than maybe any other. Subtle agreements.
...Now, to be fair, joy isn't exactly falling from the sky these days We don't go out to gather it each morning like manna. It's hard to come by. Joy seems more elusive than winning the lottery. We don't like to think about it much, because it hurts to allow ourselves to feel how much we long for joy, and how seldom it drops by. But joy IS the point. I know God says that joy is our strength. "The joy of the LORD is your strength" (Nehemiah 8:10)

Just like Elderedge continues to write... I know that when I have felt joy in the past I felt more alive than any other time in my life. Makes you think about some of those times....

Playing in the back of a pick up truck with some of the bestest kids ever, slow dancing in the living room with an amazing man of God, jumping on the trampoline with awesome kids while 'adult' friends looked down upon us the day before going to Korea, watching my students in Korea pray for baby Noah and raise their arms declaring "Praise Jesus" and reciting Psalm 106:1, reading something in an email you waited your whole life to hear, opening the door in Winter Park to be greet by someone you longed to see, encountering GOD in ways just like this....

As Elderedge ends with: Joy is such a tender thing... We avoid it, because it feels too vulnerable to allow ourselves to admit the joy we long for but do not have.

Oh heavens.... "God Calling" is even titled YOU ARE MY JOY for today reading....
Remember, that just as you thank God for Me, so I thank God for His Gift to Me of you. In that hour of My agony on Earth, one note of Joy thrilled through the pain. The thought of the souls, given Me by My Father who had kept My Word....

Now there is some more cause for some THANKFUL JOY!!!!

So longing for more of you Lord and that Joy that is complete in You.... I long to experience not only moments of Joy, but a life of Joy with You.

Extra Light...

I always feel so alive when I hear GOD speaking.... and at times it feels like it has been way to long since I have felt HIM so closely.

I can't believe I just had two paragraphs written and then they were gone on here... I didn't even touch anything, so not for sure what happened... other than as I'm feeling so close and the power of GOD at this moment and wanting to share, the enemy is still attacking... Wow, doesn't he ever give up? Doesn't he know I won't walk away from the Lord?

Anyways, back to trying to rewrite what was already flowing in my head and heart through my hand onto this page.... I know I'm not gonna be able to recreate it, but I'll try to at least share after the interruption of losing what I wrote.

I got a big blow today and have been seeking GOD all day... even asked others for some extra prayers of strength. I ended up watching "A Walk to Remember" and the flood of tears just kept coming tonight.

And then I came in to spend the final moments of my day spending time with the Lord before going to bed and resting in the arms of GOD. I went to my favorite form (besides the Bible) of words that GOD uses to speak to me and He did. Man, I do love HIM so.

GOD CALLING:
Extra Work
Our Lord and our God. Help us through poverty to plenty. Through unrest to rest, through sorrow to Joy, through weakness to Power. I am your Helper. At the end of your present path lie all these blessings. So trust and know that I am leading you. Step with a firm step of confidence in Me into each unknown day. Take every duty and every interruption as My appointment....

Wow!!!! Then I go on to read the following in "SINGLE-MINDED DEVOTION" by Michelle McKinney Hammond:
The Light Within
"God said, 'Let there be light,' and there was light." ~Genesis 1:3
I find it interesting that the first thing God spoke into existence was light. Light is essential to our well-being. We can't move or function well without it. The absence of light can negatively affect our state of mind.... ...We need light, and not just physically. We also need light spiritually. God is that light. All it takes is a word from Him to set captives free, to heal sick bodies, to release minds, to comfort tear-stained souls. If we choose, we can let the sunlight reassure us that God is on the scene and has noticed our predicament. He's given us promises we can stand on. If God can say let there be light and the universe obeys His word, He can also say, "Let there be provision for you" and "Let there be an amazing opportunity, and open door for you." "Let there be joy... let there be peace... let there be deliverance... let there be love." And when He speaks, His will is put into motion. We are God's children.... ...What do you need God to speak over you today?...

HE just gives really big hugs when I need them... HE is always here and HIS eyes are watching me constantly as HE is refining me... I wonder does the silver get refined faster when the heat is turned up? If so, what the enemy thinks he'll use to destroy us is really just allowing GOD to keep HIS eye on me even more closer to see HIS image in the reflection... Ooohh, does that sounds so good!!

Loving life and feeling so blessed at the moment. For I truly know that I am fully Known and fully Loved... not only by GOD, but by many that HE has put into my life. More there, but time to rest in HIS arms for now. HE and I know, and well that is just gonna have to be good enough for now.

Need Strength Prayer...

Keep thinking about the Refiner email I sent out to encourage others the other day.... why is it every time you start to draw closer to the Lord and do some work for Him, the enemy attacks even harder?

I don't have the strength to continue to fight right now.... this is fall break for me. I'm suppose to be relaxing and resting in God's arms and finishing up homework that will get me my initial teaching license.

However, in the process of inquiring about getting paid for my graduate credit hours, I receive a letter today that says since they don't have a valid teaching license on hand, though my TTE is in process, they say I WON'T get paid!

I know that it will all work out, on the phone the other day they said I was fine. I've just killed myself the past two years, ruined a relationship, moved from what I've called home for so long... to only get attacked more and more... I have no strength left.

I know, absolutely know that it is all gonna work out... it always does, but I'd be lying if I didn't be honest and say that I feel more alone than I ever have and need prayers for strength.

Yes!!!! My GOD is good, so very very good and HE loves me so much.... I know HIS heart is breaking as the flood of tears flow down my cheek right now. In the end it will all work out and I'll be fine... I DO KNOW THIS!!!!

I'm satan, this is god.....

Ok, so I'm leaving the football game tonight and run into two boys. One asks me who I am and I respond back with well who are you. They reply....

I'm satan and he is god... we are discussing our differences. They go on with this little routine for a bit. It was so funny and one of the best things I have heard in a while. (Really wish I could write word for word what Colton and Bradon said).

I then had to go up and compliment them and ask who they really where. They gave me their names and one said he was a freshman and the other an eighth grader.

The best part is they thought I was in high school and were surprised when I said I was old enough to be their mom. I then let them know I taught at the elementary school.

And they needed to take their skit on the road.... just really made me smile and made me realize I can't wait to REALLY know the youth in town and get working with Young Life...

Last Sunday

my last Sunday at jubilee fellowship and the message and way God spoke through the prayer was unbelievable...

however, I've tried numerous times to get a copy of it and the church can't find it... guess I just have to record that I KNOW on this day GOD spoke to me very loud and it felt like a great big hug from HIM.

A Kiss...

....so remembering the last one I received and all my dreams today!!!!

Loving GOD and Trusting HIM.... seeking to feel more alive again!!!!

9 years ago....

I just realized today that it was 9 years ago today that I arrived in Colorado.... and I'm still here, though I did have that little time away... say 10 months when I was in Seoul, South Korea.

It reminds me of all the wonderful people who have blessed my life here and so many on my journey before here. "We sometimes need a reminder that acquiring “things” is not nearly as important as appreciating the people God has placed in our lives." -Cindy Hess Kasper.

And to think there are gonna be even more now with a move... just sooo sooo thankful that I'll still be in Colorado, but even more in the mountains.

God is gonna really continue to bless my socks off... I just hope this holds true for me:

Lord, help us always put You first
In everything we say and do
So that Your light will shine through us
And show the world their need of You. —Sper

Numbers and Alive...

I love feeling alive again... ALMOST the me I miss again.... said good-bye to my counselor the other day too...But loving the numbers I've been hearing lately!!

Loved getting the doctor's report, it seems that my good cholesterol is really good. Doctor said she hadn't read numbers as good as mine for my age!! Now that I am "40" I've had to get some things checked... don't you love that certain things are suppose to come with age? I'm just glad my "numbers" are so good!! And that I don't look "40" at all... matter of fact people tend to believe I'm lying and look like I'm still in my "20's"... makes me smile... good genes and thanking GOD!!

I went to change my insurance for my car and condo... fun to have her call the agent over to look at my credit score, she said she had never seen such a high score. This is definitely a Praise Jesus... I've been working on that for some time now.... though I am in debt with a school loan again, love that I've gotten myself in a really good place, thanks to some help from friends and lots of prayer to GOD. Plus, it helps to save me money on insurance at the moment... as well as, not gonna be driving that car so much once I move to Cedaredge... woo hoo!! Again, good "numbers"

I was reminded today when I heard the song: "I Still Miss You" by Keith Anderson how much I do miss special people in my life. A few in particular to say the least..... but, it brought me to the realization of feeling Alive again.... feeling GOD speak and move in amazing ways... at moments it seems hard to trust, but then I'm reminded too, that HE has always provided for what I have needed... and most recently I put 3 WANTS out there... would love for those wants to be a part of HIS plan and had fun in the car speaking my mind and asking for them... at this point HE has blessed me with 2 of those 3... wonder what will come of the third? Though the third want has come by HIS voice I hear, so know they are GOD-inspired.... but, have been afraid to trust myself in them (thanks to past history)... I put the request out there, and Know I Need to and Will Trust HIM... so in time we will see what comes of it.


In thinking of the lyrics from the above mentioned song:
I never knew til you were gone
how many pages you were on
it never ends I keep turning
and line after line and you are there again
I don't know how to let you go
you are so deep down in my soul
I feel helpless so hopeless
its a door that never closes
no I don't know how to do this

I've talked to friends
I've talked to myself
I've talked to God
I prayed liked hell but I still miss you
I tried sober I tried drinking
I've been strong and I've been weak
and I still miss you
I've done everything
move on like I'm supposed to
I'd give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you yeah

In reflection is reminds me how much I miss those friends in my life... how much I miss having a group to hang out with, to experience life with, after all LIFE IS FOR SHARING... but am thankful for friends on facebook that GOD has allowed me to connect with.... Now looking forward to putting down new roots and finding a community to serve and be a part of... watch out Cedaredge, here comes Kimie Kay!!

Prayer..

Love this prayer from "every woman, every day" by Shannon Ethridge with Stephen Arterburn for today...It is interesting how it continues to go along with my own prayers lately...

Father, thank You for making every woman similar and yet unique in so many ways. Help me be the woman You created me to be. Help me live not to satisfy my physical and emotional longings but to please You in all my thoughts and actions.

We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand. Isaiah 64:8

Grrr...

It is in moments like these that I don't like being single and wish I had a man in my life. I have three little problems that need to be fixed around my condo, but can't do it without the help of some man's arms.

Normally this would be when you would call upon one of the male single friends you have in your life.... Funny thing is all of mine have disappeared... probably has nothing to due with the fact that they all have girlfriends at the moment... :) Or conveniently have the excuse that they live in another state, but would help me if they were here.

I just feel like there is no one to call upon to help right now in my life. I have some married friends who are male, but they have their own wives and families to take care of.

This is also when I miss not having my Daddy closer or even one of my brothers... they'd be here in a heart beat. Heck the last time my little brother, Kyle, was here staying because of business he ended up fixing my dryer and stuff with the dog I was fostering, Kong, at the time.
Makes me think about the time in college when my Dad and he drove two hours to help me with my car. Mostly because I couldn't fix what I thought was wrong with it and then I also knew more about what was wrong with it than the boys who lived across the hall.... a lot of help they were.

Oh yes, the same things will always happen.... I'll end up finding a way to fix it myself, but it will take about three times as long and I'll shed many a tear doing it crying out to GOD. I promise I won't call my Dad and cry on his shoulder... it just isn't fair to him anymore. After all I am "40" now.

Yep, it is in times like this that I hate being single more than anything else, but is it also times likes this that I hate men as well.... GRRR!!!!

Strong...

Funny thing for me is in reflecting what I first told my counselor I wanted, I wanted to gain me back. The me I know GOD created me to be and just recently I have been told and reminded how many times others have said that I am the STRONGEST person they know. I don't feel very strong, but want to again and want to be the person I know I am who takes risks in life. Who lives that phrase I wrote about recently: LIFE IS FOR SHARING. The girl I know who seizes moments and opportunities by living life to the fullest... I've missed her for a very long time now... yet, maybe she has been there still all along. Can I see her the way others do?

A friend recently said: You are a beautiful soul and person. You have tons to give, you just need to find the guy who is STRONG enough to accept what you can give. And I mean a guy who is strong enough

Which made me reflect on an email I received a while back about Apples and Wine (but should be Apples and Grapes)... That said:

Apples and Wine
Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
Now men... men are like fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Another friend said:
Kim u are maybe the strongest women i know, and life will sort itself out for you...I know u have faith, and I do in you as well. love you sweety

Another friend emailed:
You're one of the most steadfast lover of God that I know.

And more, a while back I had a conversation with a good friend, who is like a brother... I take his words to heart... he complimented me in a way about being strong and that he never doubted that I had heard GOD's voice in all the decisions I have ever made since he has known me. It brought me to tears.

And then it reminded me of what a good friend wrote to me almost three years ago before I left for Korea:
In spite of your tears that flow freely, you are one of the strongest people I know. Being able to to love others as you do and give of yourself to them as you have, requires great strength. That is because it involves taking a risk. Risks which you freely take knowing there may be painful consequences. It is a genuine reflection of who Christ is and what He has done for us.

Am I really that strong? I know I want to be and I know that I want to take risks and love as the Lord would. To live my life as a reflection of HIM. I have been learning that I am fully Known, fully Loved, and Fear NO Rejection with HIM... so I want to live my life on Purpose, with Passion. To be humble enough to have HIM be who works in and through and around me. I want to be the GIFT HE has created me to be to others... I don't want to walk in this fear anymore... the biggest is the fear of rejection and disappointment. I've allowed those fears and disappointments to dictate my life so much over the past couple of years... but I am excited about the new beginning the LORD is giving me and about the opportunities that are ahead for me. LORD give me this strength that so many others see in me. I do know that I am that Apple at the top of the tree and that it will take someone strong enough to reach me, but strong enough to accept me. Oh, and what a gift that will be.

Thanks for these reminders. We're getting there aren't we, LORD?!

Cookies Speak

Over the past few days I have heard GOD speaking in numerous ways with numerous things that are on my mind and heart, and it began with fortune cookies... yet, ends with the most perfect prayer for today!

On Thursday night after my home check visit for adopting Murray I ordered Chinese. There is just so much going on in my life at the moment with moving to Cedaredge and getting Murray... well, I've been praying a lot and about a lot of things. And found it interesting that as I was talking with GOD I opened up two fortune cookies and they said:

YOU WILL BE CALLED UPON TO CELEBRATE SOME GOOD NEWS (funny thing was the next day I found out I was approved to get Murray) and...

YOUR PRESENT PLANS ARE GOING TO SUCCEED (hmmm... felt the whole move thing was in this one)....

Love hearing GOD speak, especially when they come through unexpected things that are without doubt from HIM.

I had decided to sign up for eHarmony one more time. So I paid for a months membership... it was two weeks before my birthday and would be ending about two weeks after. I figured that the last two men I met through there whom I got to know were exactly what I have been looking for in a future partner... and well, they both were introduced to me through eHarmony, so why not try again. However, I had decided if nothing came of it I was gonna close my account completely for good this time. After all I have been on it since 2002 and have had well over 400 matches... and I'm still single.

Anyway, back to GOD speaking. Thursday and Friday I had really been praying about whether I should really close it or not... after all maybe a third great match would come along (figured Third Times a Charm, or either Three Strikes and your Out), but as I was praying that night the entry in "every women, every day", began with Internet relationships can be misleading.....and ended with In real relationships with real people, you see the whole package- the good, the bad, and the ugly.

I felt like it was my confirmation to close it for good. Though I am grateful that GOD used eHarmony to be the introduction to some pretty amazing men.... obviously it wasn't the tool for me... but, I did always look at it as a means to meet people I would have otherwise NEVER met. I am truly thankful and don't believe it was an accident that I met who I did. GOD used each and every one... and I have gained some pretty awesome guy friends from the time on it.... It's just finally time to be done!!

Then on Saturday, I was questioning GOD if I was really hearing HIM again. If the thoughts I was having in so many things were from HIM. I wanted so badly to Trust, but at times my flesh keeps getting in the way. I don't even know if I have truly reflected upon the things that GOD has been giving me and showing me lately... but, some of them have made me question my own heart and mind about hearing HIM.... and then GOD CALLING by AJ Russell answered those questions:

Titled: GOD-INSPIRED
You have entered now upon a mountain climb.... Looking to Me all your thoughts are God-inspired. Act on them and you will be led on. They are not your own impulses but the movement of My Spirit and, obeyed, will bring the answer to your prayers. Love and Trust...

Wow, HE is speaking again in my life loud and clear and I just need to Love and Trust. I can't wait to share this all with my counselor....

But, today topped it all off with this prayer entry in "every women, every day"

Lord, I don't understand why waiting is such an impossible thing for me. Time appears to plow ahead, and the changes I long for seem like distant dreams, whispers of possibility, but far from present reality. Help me understand that in the waiting I am living my questions one day at a time. In living the questions, I can be assured of learning much more about Your nature than instant answers or change will offer me. Please give me patience and faith. Like the rolling of the unending tide, Father, I pray that You will continue to come upon me, restoring my faith and granting me greater patience for the journey.

Head over heels....

I'm in love and we haven't even met face to face yet.... though he seems perfect and exactly what I've been wanting and looking for....

Though, the last couple of times I thought this exact same thing my heart got broken....

Hmmm... don't think this guy will do that!!

Here"s a picture of him, Murray:



Looking like this coming Thursday or following Saturday will be the day I get to bring this guy home with me to live forever....

Yep, I fell in love with just one look, no actually it took a second glance.... I know he is gonna win my heart and bring me so much joy and love....

Wow, I'm adopting a beautiful sweet heart.... if you're interested check out others at:

Big Dogs Huge Paws
PetFinder

Life is for Sharing

I was in Fort Collins for the weekend and at church today the pastor showed a clip, I forgot what it was an advertisement for. But, at the end of it it stated: LIFE IS FOR SHARING!

Wow, did I feel like this hit me exactly where I have been lately. Longing again for a group to be a part of. I have friends, don't get me wrong, but there isn't a lot of people to do things with or hang with, a group experiencing day to day life together.

This phrase is beautiful: LIFE IS FOR SHARING! We should be sharing ours lives with each other, for our stories make us who we are and help us grow closer to GOD.

Yet, at the same time this phrase made me reflect back on my life. I have been so blessed to share and experience life with so many amazing beautiful people that GOD has brought into it. I love that through this new tool called Facebook GOD has reconnected me with so many who have been a part of my journey and story... those whom Life has been Shared from both sides.

And with my "40th" Birthday fast approaching this statement made me think about if I had any regrets in life.... Hmmm.... could only think of the fact that I wished I played softball and basketball throughout high school and....

I regret that I never really got a chance to get to know someone special that GOD brought into my life. I regret that they did not get to really see me and know me... I regret that we could not drop are walls of hurt and pain, and better yet fear... in order to be who GOD created us both to be. We both truly missed out on a the friendship I know GOD wanted, NO wants us to have. You never know what GOD may have in store for tomorrow... but as of now... I regret that we REALLY did NOT take the opportunity to live this phrase: LIFE IS FOR SHARING!!

I wonder if all of us in life hold back on sharing and truly experiencing it out of FEAR!! Why is that? After all, GOD did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7)

Lord, please give us the courage and strength to live life in a way that we share and experience You with each other.

After all: LIFE IS FOR SHARING!

Dance

I wrote somewhere recently that if life was like a dance then I felt like the wallflower that everybody wants to dance with, but doesn't.

I wasn't pertaining to men with that statement but life in general. How nice it was to actually hear the words that someone wanted me... well, wanted me for a job.

I am Praising God for a contract offer for next year and for the way I can see HIS hand upon it. It seems He hasn't been all that quiet over the past year. But that He has slowly been preparing my heart for such a time as now.

I am going to be moving to Cedaredge, Colorado for a special education position at the elementary there. It is moderate needs, grades kindergarten to second grade.

I remember driving through this little mountain town, which is the same size as the town I grew up in back in Michigan. When I drove through my friend, all that was on my heart and mind is that I could see myself living there... who would have thought as almost a year later GOD would be taking me to that exact same place.

There is just so much... and it is soo exciting to start feeling and seeing HIM again.

Impossible for man, Possible for God....

Faith? Yes—the childlike faith that daddies can do anything. True faith, though, has the written promise of God for its foundation. In Hebrews 11:1, we read, “Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” Jesus talked a lot about faith, and throughout the Gospels we read of His response to those who had great faith. ...When we have faith in God, we will find that all things are possible (Luke 18:27). — Cindy Hess Kasper, From "Our Daily Bread" May 9....

Faith.... trusting for things not seen.... I just don't know if I can do that any more. Yet, as I write that I know I can.... it just isn't easy at moments, and right now in this one I am sooo confused, but so tired of fighting it over in my mind and trying to figure things out.... while all the time trusting in God. I just want to Trust and not even fight Satan's whispers in the ear.... Oh Lord give me the strength I need. I do know that things of this earth seem so impossible at times.... but Nothing is impossible for God. He makes all things possible, and good!!

God, give me the faith of a little child
Who trusts so implicitly,
Who simply and gladly believes Thy Word,
And never would question Thee.
—Showerman

Life ain't...

...always beautiful, but it's a beautiful ride!!!!

Funny, that I heard that on the radio the other day when I was switching channels... WayFM was very uplifting that morning as they were discussing women in their late 20's, early 30's giving up hope of every getting married. Then were giving statistics... usually an uplifting time on my drive... not so much that day, especially when I got ten years on the women they were talking about... However, I got no worries there because GOD is bigger and NOTHING is impossible with HIM. So I head this chorus in a country song, "Life ain't always beautiful, but it's a beautiful ride"

Yep, life doesn't seem so beautiful at the moment... but, the ride and journey with HIM, though hard at times, is absolutely beautiful... I'm sure glad HE has made my life so beautiful even when it seems so yucky. Really thought the end of this part of the journey was gonna be a smoothed paved road, but its just gotten rockier than it ever has been....

Hmm... interesting that I'm not feeling those bumps really. Praise Jesus.

I gotta finish the story a bit more, but know it is only a little piece of the whole pie over the past two weeks.

On April 21, I thought it funny when I realized that I had only 40 days before I was turning the BIG "40".... So, that meant on April 22, I had 39 days left to be 39!!

GOD was still speaking and just giving me peace. Our Daily Bread was titled "Too Old?" Just too funny.... at the bottom there is written: As God adds years to your life, ask Him to add life to your years.

Thursday, April 23, after work some Christians got together to pray for things around our school.... and again I felt the presence of GOD like I hadn't in a long time.... As I prayed there was just this warmth all over me and this feeling that I just can't describe... but, I loved feeling it and HIS presence.

Sunday, April 26, Pastor used the scripture from Matthew 6:25-34, Do Not Worry.... and as GOD use to always do, especially before and while in Korea, HE spoke again the next day in "Our Daily Bread" with the same scripture. Just a reminder to seek God first and not to worry about tomorrow....

Oh, and GOD continues to speak in so many ways each day since April 21.... I have posted scripture after scripture on my Facebook wall. I continue to read reminders in "Our Daily Bread" and "God Calling".... here are just some of those words and hugs from GOD that have touched me right in the center of my heart:

God's love still stands when all else has fallen.

Trust in Me. Do as I say each moment and all indeed shall be well....Have no fear, go forward. Joy- radiant Joy must be yours. Change all disappointment, even if only momentary, into Joy. Change each complaint into laughter. Rest-Love-Joy-Peace...

Guidance you are bound to have as you live more and more with Me. It follows without doubt...

Lord, help me to stay close to You and trust You more each day, So when the storms of life appear I will no drift away. -Sper

To avoid drifting away from God, stay anchored to the Rock.

I am with you always, even to the end of the age. -Matthew 28:20

Jesus whispers, "I am with you." In the hour of deepest need; when the way is dark and lonesome, "I am with you, I will lead." -Morris

...This means no worry, no anxiety, but it does not mean no effort....

Never doubt. Have no fear. Watch the faintest tremor of fear, and stop all work, everything, and rest before Me until you are joyful and strong again....

...Do not seek to work for Me. Never make opportunities. Live with Me and for Me. I do the work and I make the opportunities.

I am beside you. Can you not feel My Presence? Contact with Me is not gained by the senses. Spirit-consciousness replaces sight....

Through briars, through waste places, through glades, up mountain heights, down into valleys, I lead. But ever with the Leadership goes the Helping Hand. Glorious to follow where your Master goes. But remember that the varied path does not always mean that you need the varied training....
I am not choosing ways that will fret and tire- just to fret and tire; we are out to save...

To conquer adverse circumstances, conquer yourselves.

The way is long and weary. It is a weary world. So many today are weary. "Come unto Me... and I will give you rest."....

The oarsman, trusting in Me, does not lean on his oars and drift with the tide, trusting to the current. Nay, more often- once I have shown the way- it is against the tide you must direct all your effort. And even when difficulties come, it is by your effort that they will be surmounted. But always strength and Joy in the doing you can have through Me. My fishermen-disciples did not find the fishes ready on the shore in their nets. I take man's effort and bless that....

I lead you. The way is clear. Go forward unafraid. I am beside you. Listen, listen, listen to My Voice. My Hand is controlling all....

Silence no more...

Yes, the Lord is silent at times and I question with longing.... but, I haven't questioned my Faith or felt like there was emptiness and darkness deep down inside. Everyday I breathe strengthens my Faith. I know that I am fully known, fully loved, and not rejected by Him as with others. I knew it was only a matter of time before the silence ended. He's always been right here, even as I have walked through this desert.... He spoke right when I needed Him to, but He's been reminding the whole time that I am exactly where I am suppose to be... I've never questioned His Love for me.... just my own heart. And I Praise and Thank God for each of those moments in my life.... and will continue to until the day I take my last breathe... for He is the very air I breathe....

April 21, I heard GOD speak and HE was pretty loud at that.

The week started Monday, April 20, with my meeting with the principal to go over my evaluation. I got a very good review and was excited. I love where I work and took the principal's suggestions on the one area that she wanted to see me grow more in. I was really excited to share with her the class I had over the summer that would be helping with that next year. I left on a very good note.

Then came Tuesday, April 21, when I received a phone call from the University saying that my student teaching was denied, but after my principal asked me a question about it a few minutes before. So I decided to go and find out what was going on....

All I know is that I left the office at that moment really feeling confused and pretty yucky in my heart. I had a meeting on Wednesday, April 22, to find out about my status/contract for next year. I left work on the 21st feeling in my gut like I was gonna be told the next day that I was not coming back to teach there the next year. I had a counseling appointment where I shared my fears.... then a treat of a massage. So I got home pretty late.

When I arrived home I got ready for bed and then spent my usual before going to sleep time with God. I started with "Our Daily Bread" for the day.... it was titled "Thunderstorm Thoughts"

The scripture you were to read was Matthew 8:23-27.... and ODB had Philippians 4:9- The God of peace will be with you. I felt a huge lump start to form in my throat and stomach... I didn't read Matthew for I knew what it said. Then I read: I've heard thunderstorms in my head,...Our minds become a tempest of "what if" questions. We focus on all the possible bad outcomes. Our fear, worry, and trust in God fluctuate as we wait, we pray, we grieve, and we wonder what the Lord will do.... We wish that Jesus would always calm the storms of our life as He calmed the storm for the disciples that day. But we can find moments of peace when we're anchored to the truth that He's in the boat with us and He cares.-Anne Cetas

At this point I was thinking GOD was just letting me know not to think about the worst outcome, but to stay focused on HIM. After all, I had already been asking the "what if" questions while waiting, praying, grieving, and wondering what He was up to and what He was gonna do in my life for quite sometime now. At that moment, I felt this warmth in my heart and felt the tears stream down my cheek.... was just feeling HIS love, then I read "God Calling" as it started with:

You will conquer. Do not fear changes.

Now I was crying sooo hard, not because I knew at that moment the storm was really coming and I wasn't gonna have a job for next year. I was crying because of HIS presence. GOD was speaking in a way I hadn't heard in a very very long time. He was giving me the one thing I had been desperate for for so long. HIS voice. I never doubted that He had been there with me, I doubted my own heart... and here HE was speaking and placing a peace in my heart right when I really needed Him to.

"God Calling" went on with: You can never fear changes when I, your Lord, change not. Jesus Christ, the same yesterday, today, and forever. I am beside you. Steadfastness, unchangingness, come to you, too, as you dwell with Me. Rest in Me. ...So, My dear children, take this training, not as harsh, but as the tender loving answer to your petition. Life can never be the same again...

I even went back to re-read "Our Daily Bread" taking something different away from it.... as if hearing HIS voice even more. At the bottom it was written: To realize the worth of the anchor, we need to feel the stress of the storm.

Oh was I feeling HIS worth and knew the storm was gonna hit the next day.... I went to sleep with an indescribable peace in my heart. As well as walking into that meeting on Wednesday, unshakable and full of peace. I know HE has a plan and everything is gonna work out. There was a peace like never before.

Truly felt so known, loved, and without fear of rejection..... GOD loves me and I trust HIM right now more than I ever have before. What a peace and an Acceptance-with-Joy....

The Whispers...

Not only whispers anymore... He spoke pretty loud and clear on April 21.

However, let me catch you up first if you haven't been reading or in contact with me. I came home from Korea disappointed, got my heart broken, and became angry... I thought at God, however I now know it was more at myself. I struggled, but God moved when I left my job in December of 2007 and led me to Regis University and a job I wasn't looking for. GOD gave me a very special Valentine's gift.

Then He got quiet... I got stressed from classes and just life.... was being pushed away by others... and I shut down and closed in... but was seeking God and His voice for guidance the whole time... and I heard nothing!! Well, that isn't true, I heard Him in little moments and He continued to remind me that I was loved, yet I wasn't trusting my own heart... if that makes any sense?

The counselor I was seeing, suggested I read "Hinds' Feet on High Places" by Hannah Hurnard. And though I was longing and desperate to hear God speak loud... He whispered many times through the pages, reminding me that I was exactly where I was suppose to be: in the desert.

"Hinds' Feet on High Places" comes from Habakkuk 3:19- The Lord God is my strength, and he will make my feet like hinds' feet, and he will make me walk upon mine high places.

The story is broken into two parts and splits the second half of Psalm 30:5 into headings for those parts. ... weeping my remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning. I am about half way through part two where joy will come in the morning... but back to the first part and His whispers.

On a day when I was really crying out to Him, I picked up the book and read a chapter. I got to page 82 and the main character, Much-Afraid, was talking to the Shepherd. It could have been me on that particular day talking to Him. Here is what was written and He whispered to me:

"Shepherd," she said despairingly, "I can't understand this. The guides you gave me say that we must go down there into that desert, turning right away from the High Places altogether. You don't mean that, do you? You can't contradict yourself. Tell them we are not to go there, and show us another way. Make a way for us, Shepherd, as you promised."
He looked at her and answered very gently, "That is the path, Much-Afraid, and you are to go down there."
"Oh, no," she cried, "You can't mean it. You said if I would trust you, you would bring me to the High Places, and that path leads right away from them. It contradicts all that you promised."
"No," said the Shepherd, "it is not contradiction, only postponement for the best to become possible."

And though I didn't like hearing that... I knew it was for me too. I didn't want to remain in the desert I was in, but knew it was EXACTLY where I was suppose to be so that the best He had for me could be possible. I have been having a hard time finishing this book and it is taking forever, but I'm pretty sure I read the pages I'm suppose to when God wants me to... for He had been whispering through them.

There was a little flower that Much-Afraid found in the desert that was called Acceptance-with-Joy. I could handle the acceptance part, but was still struggling with the Joy!!

I know shortly after that I read another part that struck home at perfect timing: "You are quite right. I have been thinking that you are allowing me to follow this path too long and that you were forgetting your promise." Then she added, looking steadfastly into his face, "But I do tell you now with all my heart that you are my Shepherd whose voice I love to hear and obey, and that it is my joy to follow you. You choose, my Lord, and I will obey." The Shepherd stooped down and picked up a stone... "...wait patiently until I give you your heart's desire."

There are many more pages that are marked, but those ones were underlined and just important to say that though I felt like I was not hearing God speak, I know He was reassuring me in whispers through this book. Still His perfect timing when I read pages that touch my heart. And a little comfort while I was in the desert.

I am in "joy cometh in the morning" part, but not finished yet. I know it will be in His perfect timing when I do finish those pages. Though I was excited when I got to part two, thinking that the oasis in the desert was finally going to be coming... I was about to reach the high places... little did I know at that time it was just the strength I needed before the storm was gonna hit.

Lay ALL of Me..

Lord, I lay ALL of me at your feet..... You are my REST!!My Refuge and Strength, an Ever-present help in Trouble.

Tomorrow,Wednesday at Noon, determines the next path God will lead me to on this journey.... What does the next chapter hold for Kimie Kay?

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble -Psalm 46:1

Yes, HE is my REST:

Refuge
Ever-present help
Strength
Times of Trouble.....

I have a PEACE like I have never had before LORD.... though I can't say it is easy... I'm TRUSTING YOU in a way that has never been before....

By day the Lord directs his love, at night his song is with me- a prayer to the God of my life -Psalm 42:8

I haven't stopped....

I've been asked by a number of folks if I have stopped blogging... and my answer is no.... I've just been so overwhelmed with grad school and really just feel empty. GOD seems to have been pretty quiet since my return from Korea..... as well as going through two big heart aches.... I just haven't had anything good or encouraging to write about.... don't get me wrong there have been little moments and times when GOD has spoken and moved.... it's just the yucky out weighs those.... and I just don't want to write then.... I've been praying for GOD to fill my heart again and that I begin to be Me again.... that I am full of life, love, and most importantly laughter... it has been way to long. Actually this morning at church an old friend said hello and then leaned in again to say that was were he was suppose to see a Kimie smile.... I was great before that.... though it moved my heart.... it has left me longing and sad the rest of the day....I knew what he meant and I want the same thing.... Kimie's smile again.... that life, love, and laughter.... all in time.... what I do know is that GOD has a plan and that I am fully known by HIM and that HE also loves me fully and I have no fear of rejection by HIM.... do I really need anything more than that.... at times yes....I'll be back soon I promise.... I'm reading a great book that is GOD's perfect timing for me.... I'm coming alive in HIM again.... this desert is almost through.... so Praise HIM for that.... I do love HIM with all my heart.... so at the moment Trusting, Waiting, Hoping, and Loving HIM.....

Concentrate on this Sentence

'To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.' When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better. Concentrate on this sentence...'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.'Something good will happen to you today; something that you have been waiting to hear.

Beautiful Christian Sister

BEAUTIFUL CHRISTIAN SISTER
by Maya Angelou

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not shouting 'I'm clean livin,'

I'm whispering 'I was lost, Now I'm found and forgiven.'

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I don't speak of this with pride.

I'm confessing that I stumble and need Christ to be my guide.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not trying to be strong.

I'm professing that I'm weak and need His strength to carry on.

When I say.. 'I am a Christian' I'm not bragging of success.

I'm admitting I have failed and need God to clean my mess.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not claiming to be perfect,

My flaws are far too visible, but God believes I am worth it.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I still feel the sting of pain...

I have my share of heartaches, so I call upon His name.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not holier than thou,

I'm just a simple sinner Who received God's good grace, somehow!

Pretty is as Pretty does... but beautiful is just plain beautiful!

All I Want for Christmas....

... is my two front teeth, Oops, that's another song!!

What I want for Christmas is LAUGHTER.....

What I want for Christmas is Grandpa Walton's Christmas Wish.....

What I want for Christmas is for wishes and dreams to come true.....

What I want for Christmas is for others to LIVE, LOVE, and LAUGH because they are so overwhelmed by GOD's Love, which was revealed to us in the BESTEST, MOST PERFECT GIFT that has ever been given.....

What I want for Christmas is "A Sunrise Gift"
(December 11 entry in God Calling)

To those whose lives have been full of struggle and care, who have felt the tragedy of living, the pity of an agonized heart for Jesus' poor world... to those followers of HIS, HE gives Peace and Joy that brings to age its second Spring, the youth sacrificed for HIM, and for HIS world....

Take each day now as a joyous sunrise gift from JESUS. Your simple daily tasks done in HIS Strength and Love will bring the consciousness of all your highest hopes. Expect great things. Expect great things. This coming year....

My Christmas Wish...

I have always liked Amy Grant's song, "Grown Up Christmas List", but the other morning on the way to work Klove played a Christmas Wish by Grandpa Walton.

Anyone remember the Walton's? Well, as I was listening to the words of Grandpa Walton's Christmas Message or Wish tears formed in my eyes and I was so moved. I met GOD right there in the moment and saw HIM while looking towards the beautiful mountains where I live.

I have tried my hardest to find a link online to the audio of it because I believe that is the best way to hear it, in his own voice. However, all that I could find was a list of the lyrics so to speak. So what I share with you now is those words:

Grandpa's Christmas Message

What is Christmas? It is a time when some of your dreams come true. Every year it roles around and takes you by surprise some of the time, especially when you’re as close to a 100 years old as I am. You think...it Can’t be time for another one, but there it is with all it’s hope and joy and the promise of the wishes granted. I bet you wonder what I wish for. What could an old man wish for? Maybe you think I would wish to be young again. I don’t want that. Being young is a painful thing. Being young and in love to boot, which most young people are, is even more agony. I’ll tell you what I wish. I’d wish for the power to return some of the love that’s been given me. I’d wish the time and place for all that giving could be commemorated like the heart I carved on the tree around your Grandmother’s and my initials. I wish too for more days to my life. Time...time to give to children some of the beauty of this Earth that has been revealed to me. A drop of water is a wondrous thing.

A spade full of earth is a kingdom in itself. A cloud is worth watching as it passes from one horizon to another. A bird building its nest is as wondrous as men building the Pyramid, and any green thing that grows is proof that God exists. It all comes into focus at Christmas. It is a tender time. We grow cautious because we open ourselves to love. We exchange gifts, but what those presents really say is "I love you." It makes some folks uncomfortable to say or hear these words. Maybe it’s because they’ve never learned the secret of the given heart. There are more takers than givers in the world. People, communities even countries spending their time grubbing and rooting for the goods of this earth like pigs after acorns in the Fall of the year. This is a country with a given heart and I pray it will always be so. It’s a good country and it’s part of our strength, something that we brought with us as pioneers that we can share with the fellow who is down on his luck, with those who suffered calamities: with the loss of their homes or land or their hope. This is a family with a giving heart. You children may squabble and bicker among yourselves but you’ve been taught to love and to give, and that’s the greatest present your Momma and Daddy could have given you. So take pleasure in the trappings of Christmas. Be merry like the songs say. Revel in the tinsel and the glitter and the sparkle and sing the old songs for all the joy that’s in them and the memories they bring back. But to touch the real Christmas, to feel the true spirit of the season, look to your own heart and find all the secret treasures that they’re there to give. There is one wish that I make every year. I never said it aloud before, but I’ll tell it to you now. I wish for all the seasons I have known, endlessly to come and go; the dogwood Spring, the watermelon Summer, the russet and gold of Autumn. I wish for Christmas to come again and for each of us to be here again next year at this time...together, safe, warm and loved as we are at this moment.

Read by Will Geer on "The Walton’s Christmas" Album

What an amazing Christmas Wish!! MeRrY ChRiStMaS and HaPpY BiRtHdAy JESUS!!!!

What....

I want for Christmas this year.... Well, it 'caused me to look back and think about two years ago at this time and for that matter I thought about four years....

Four years ago, I was packing to spend this time with my littlest sister in Australia.... I dream of a lifetime!

Two years ago, I was wanting a phone call as my gift... not my usually asking, but what I wanted. I got it and then I prepared to spend this holiday in Bali, while on another dream come true.

So I reflect... I'd really love to ask for another wish, dream to come true. Earlier this year, I thought it just might. I thought that I might actually get the one wish for Christmas that I have been asking for for a long, long time. But, it doesn't look like I will get that wish this year.

BUT, what I want is to Live, Love, and most importantly Laugh fully and abundantly as I began to during the beginning of this decade in my life.

Interesting thing is is hearing these words in a song on the radio. It is a new one by Point of Grace.... Kind of just sums a bit up of how I am feeling at this particular moment in time.

The Lyrics to "I Wish" are:

I wish I didn't feel so helpless
I wish I didn't act so selfish
I wish I didn't wring my hands night and day
My hair was a little bit smoother
My jeans fit a little bit looser
And I always knew the right things to say
And I wish I wouldn't hide what?s been going on inside
And I wish you wouldn't get scared and run away

Chorus
I wish I was doing better
With all the things that matter,
I guess I got some learning to do
I wish everyone had someone
To hold em and to love em
The way I'm always gonna love you
I wish wishes came true

I was there was a cure for cancer
I wish somebody had an answer
And all God's children, never got hurt
I wish Eve never bit that apple
You men never went to battle
And I didn't get so mad at the world
I wish I was more like Jesus
And could pick up all the pieces
And make a better life for my baby girl

Chorus
I wish I was doing better
With all the things that matter,
I guess I got some learning to do
I wish everyone had someone
To hold em and to love em
The way I'm always gonna love you
I wish wishes came true

For everything I am wishing
I know GOD is up there listening
So, I say my prayers when I go to bed
Ahh, ahh, ahh
Oh pray my wishes come true
Oh

Chorus
I wish I was doing better
With all the things that matter,
I guess I got some learning to do
I wish everyone had someone
To hold em and to love em
The way I'm always gonna love you
I wish wishes came true

I know wishes come true
I wish, I wish

Praise....

I am feeling alive again. I have longed for a while now to Love, Live, and Laugh again. And though I don't quit feel that I am through the desert yet, I have found a small oasis for the moment.

I have been hearing and experiencing GOD more powerfully lately. I read something and it hits home, or touches my heart. Feels like GOD speaking again.

I recently read this in a book, "I know that if it seems the Lord is not speaking or moving, it's just a cycle, and when He's ready, He'll be there.

I am beginning to feel that Life, Love, and Laughter again in my heart and soul. And it all has to do with HIM!!

Praise Jesus!!

GOD's Glory Story

I have just finished reading When Women Walk Alone by Cindi McMenamin and loved the chapter where she talked about God writing His glory story out of our trials.

I think it really hit me knowing where I have been walking this year. It has been a walk through the desert, a winter season, and basically a season of waiting (though waiting has been a part of my life almost constantly). The hard part for me is that I usually hear GOD in these times and feel closer to HIM, yet sometime during my time in Korea and in returning I have felt more of HIS silence... hence, a true season of waiting.

This particular chapter just hit in the middle of my heart... though the whole book was once again GOD's perfect timing for me to pick it up and read.

Cindi writes: "Sounds like God is writing quite a glory story." As I drove home in silence, I thought about the "glory story" God writes on the fabric of our lives. I thought about the underside of that tapestry, where all the knots and imperfections are, so that the top side can be perfect and intricately beautiful. I thought of this God who has a way of weaving lessons and revelations of His love into the troubles that bombard us in life. And when we are determined to see that He gets the glory for all that we encounter, then the things we go through are not for nothing.

I know and believe with all my heart that GOD is writing HIS Glory Story in my life. HE weaves together everything in order for HIS Love and Glory to be shown. But why is it that we are soooo afraid to show or let others see the underside of our tapestry... all that we want others to see is the beautiful upper side, but it is all GOD and all of it every thing about us is a part of HIM.

As I mentioned for me the hardest part has been being afraid of my heart getting hurt again and again (which it is right now at this moment), yet it seems hard because I have not felt GOD in a long time... I know HE is right here with me, because HE lives in my heart... but HIS silence is hard even if I know it is a part of HIM writing a glory story with my life.

Psalm 73: 23-26 says: Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.


So true, HE is my everything and all that I need or want is to have my life reflect HIM... and to have HIS glory story be written in the fabric of my life... every tiny stitch of it.

She goes on to write: And in all stories, I'm convinced that even though life might look at times like it's spinning out of control, there's a God who knows what He's doing, He's weaving a lesson, preparing a promise, readying a revelation of Himself... He's writing His glory story.

God knows what He is doing. We might not ever know why He allows certain things to happen in our lives, but we can be assured that He knows what He's doing and He has promised it will be for our good.

Can you count your trials as pure joy, knowing that as your faith is tested perseverance is produced, and that endurance leads you to be made more perfect and complete, lacking nothing and more strong in HIM. (James 1: 2-4)

Wants, no Needs MORE...

Lately we have been talking about money in church on Sundays. How most people want a nicer car, a bigger house, they basically want more and more things.

And the funny part for me, is I have been feeling like I have been needing and wanting more, BUT it has nothing to do with material things. What I am talking about is MORE:

of GOD, laughing, loving, living, time with GOD (which I need to just start taking), time with family and friends, quiet times, quiet nights, of Ty, fun, football, etc...

I don't NEED or WANT more money or a bigger house or a nicer car.... I don't need those things. I have all I need.

I just want MORE of GOD.... more and more and more. For this journey we call life is still ALL ABOUT HIM whether it is walking in the desert or through a season of winter or even a time of waiting (though at times I feel like I have spent my whole life here)...

So yes, I WANT and NEED MORE, but nothing of material or earthly value..... What is on your heart to want more of?

Priceless...

A friend of mine in class tonight wrote this:

ONE CLASS AT REGIS.... $1,000
SNACKS EVERY WEEK.... $2
SCHOOL SUPPLIES.... $50

BEING BORED OUT OF YOUR MIND.... PRICELESS!!

Thanks, Steph for the smile in the middle of a stressful boring uninformative class meeting... which got much worse after you all left.... awful... absolutely awful!!

Now

I know that it has been a while since I have written or posted anything, but I just read this statement on a friend's facebook and it seems to fit exactly where I feel I am at right now.

I love these words he wrote: "learning everything that I can at every opportunity, staying in each moment so that the pain that I'm in will make into something of greater value to those around me."

Seems to be right where I am at at this moment. Wandering through the desert and looking for the living water to fill my thirsty soul.... good thing is that I refuse to dwell here.... though I know I must wait upon my Maker for the right moment when HE will open my eyes and lead me out... don't think these days, or months are done yet.

But looking forward to the JOY that will come when this too passes.

Classes

I just left my last class meeting for the summer.... grades will be in next week. The funny part was that I was the first one to share on the first day of class, yet ended up being the last person to give my presentation on the last day of class.

I wish I could say that I was excited to be done, but this was the first class I really learned anything in...It is by far my favorite one. And I am excited in my thoughts of continuing on once I have completed my license and masters to get a second endorsement in Reading and I could do it all online with the educator I just had....that would be so cool.

At the same time, I can't believe I am even entertaining the thought of it, especially at this point. I really liked this class and wish I didn't have the stress from the other class I had to finish assignments for at the same time, plus all the other things in life that are adding to the stress.

Anyways, I wish I could have just sat in one of the eight class meetings anytime since I began teaching, or working with kids for that matter. I think about how much that this class has given me as a teacher and then think about all the students I have had in the past....wow, just the information from one class meeting would have made a huge difference in my teaching. Glad I have something to go forward with.

With that said, I know this is gonna be a rough year at one of my schools....I just keep reminding myself that GOD opened up the way for me to be getting paid while getting my Masters and learning from both good and bad examples in the classroom with hands on experience. So I am thankful and will need to continue to Trust in HIM, and most important seek HIM, because I can't do it without GOD...it's gotta to be ALL about HIM.

Now it is time to go rest in HIS Arms by taking a well needed nap.

Ever have....

a horrible, terrible, no good, very bad day? I think Alexander did once in a book. That was my day in all aspects....Don't think it or life could seem any worse at the moment.

Trying my hardest to stay focused on GOD in all of it, as well as Trust HE has a plan and a purpose in all of it....but, I am spent and don't have anything left to offer in a given day.

I WANT and NEED GOD more than ever right now....I can't find that peace in HIS presence at the moment and I think I struggle a lot with that....much more than all the other issues of life.

Oh LORD, Please....I know you are right here, but I want so much more of YOU!

Life...

...just sucks right now, no doubt about that and not much more needs to be said. It is taking everything I have just to find something worth anything in a given day. Funny that I can write that and it is how I feel, yet at the same time....I see GOD in the littlest of things....like the rain, the sunset, the mountains. I see HIM in the things HE created, except not in me...yet, HE created me too.
Makes me think about the David Crowder song Everything Glorious:

The day is brighter here with You
The night is lighter than it's hue
Would lead me to believe
Which leads me to believe

You make everything glorious
You make everything glorious
You make everything glorious
And I am Yours
What does that make me?

My eyes are small but they have seen
the beauty of enormous things
Which leads me to believe
there's light enough to see that

You make everything glorious
You make everything glorious
You make everything glorious
And I am Yours

From glory to glory
You are glorious You are glorious
From glory to glory
You are glorious. You are glorious
Which leads me to believe
why I can believe that

You make everything glorious
You make everything glorious
You make everything glorious
And I am Yours
You make everything glorious
You make everything glorious
You make everything glorious
And I am Yours

From glory to glory From glory to glory
You are glorious. You are glorious.
You are glorious. You are glorious.

You make everything glorious
You make everything glorious
You make everything glorious
And I am Yours

I do KNOW that HE makes everything Glorious....just really seems blah right now

Is still

...reflecting on: "If you want Love, make a choice and act!!, but remembering that Love will ALWAYS require a sacrifice.

Update on KONG

I had to give him up today. I wish I could write that it was to his forever home, but I had to take me to a boarding shelter until they find another foster home or someone to adopt him.

His separation anxiety is just too much....I tried to leave him out in my condo yesterday, after getting him from the vet where he had 4 surgeries. He pushed his way out my window onto the roof again.

He is a great dog that I love a lot and am going to miss, but he needs a home where someone is home most of the time and has at least one other dog. He just needs constant companionship. Funny, that is why I have to give him up, because I decided to foster so I would have some companionship.

Just a reminder that GOD didn't wire us to journey though this life alone. I pray Kong finds a loving home and family REAL soon. All I know is that he touched my heart and reminded me of how deep my heart is and how capable it is of loving others, and loving them deeply.

Calling Out...

As I am driving home from class with my heart aching in so many ways, yet not really knowing why. I can't stop crying right now... I feel empty and alone, yet knew I had to come home and finish some entries that I have started....to let my heart be poured out...for when I am here writing it is usually when I have met the RISEN CHRIST in something.... I saw GOD clearly.... I know it is a place where I meet HIM and am with HIM, yet aren't I always in that place...

All I know is I was crying out...repeatedly calling out that beautiful wonderful name: JESUS...JESUS...JESUS. HE is all I NEED, and ALL I WANT, Nothing else I could ever desire can compare to HIM. I only want to GLORIFY HIM...yet, I fail constantly at it.

And though I KNOW HE is here with me right now at this moment...I want to feel HIM, and I can't, the noises inside are so loud....I keep calling JESUS, do I not feel HIM, because I have an expectation to how I want to meet HIM in this moment....'cause I KNOW as soon as I speak those words, JESUS...HE is right here, but since HE lives in my heart....HE is ALWAYS here.

In this moment, I HURT sooo much and truthfully as I have written earlier.... I feel more alone right now than I ever did in Korea.

I am thankful for Klove....The two songs that were on when I was crying out the most to GOD in the car were:

"Bring the Rain" by Mercy Me and "Call My Name" by Third Day

I KNOW HE came when I called HIS Name.

Love...

...ALWAYS requires a sacrifice!

This stood out from the message in church this morning... we have been reading in 1 John.

I think of last week...so if you want love in your life, you have to make a choice and act. But now remember, that Love will always require a sacrifice.

Wow, as I am writing this I went to an old Bible on my book shelf to look up verses in 1 John....but what I found in the back of this old Bible, was notes from a sermon at some point long ago in my life and well deserves mention here. What I have written, but don't know when it was written and not complete is this:

1 Tim vs. 5-6
-Love is a commitment (NOT a feeling)
Luke 22
-Commitment to what?
to being Genuine to each other(BE REAL)
Ps. 139:17
-To Giving unconditionally
1 Corth. 13
True Success What we give
+Love is a commitment to being genuine and giving unconditionally.

Seriously, that was very interesting in finding while writing about LOVE ALWAYS REQUIRES A SACRIFICE.

Hmmm.....is all I can say.

Also want to share these from "GOD CALLING":

Wonderful Life
I am your Lord. Lord of your lives, Controller of your days, your present and your future. Leave all plans to Me. Only act as I bid you.
You have entered now, both of you, upon the God-guided life. Think what that means. God-taught, God-guided.
Is anything too wonderful for such a life? Do you begin to see how wonderful life with Me can be? Do you see that no evil can befall you?

Forget-Forgive
Our Lord, we thank Thee for so much.
We bless Thee and praise Thy Glorious Name.
Fill your world with Love and laughter. Never mind what anguish lies behind you.
Forget, Forgive, Love, and Laugh.
Treat all as you would treat Me, with Love and consideration.
Let nothing that others do to you alter your treatment of them.

My Consolation
O Jesus, come and walk with us and let us feel Thy very nearness.
I walk with you. Oh! think, My children, not only to guide and comfort you and strengthen and uphold, but for solace and comfort for Myself.
When a loving child is by you is the nearness only that you may provide protection and help for that little one?
Rather, too, that in that little child you may find joy and cheer and comfort in its simplicity, its Love, its trust.
So, too, is it in your power to comfort and bring joy to My Heart.

Memory Alone?

Today I felt more alone than I ever have in a long time....it may be because of all the undue stress I am placing on myself and feeling at the moment.

Whatever the cause all I know is that I have felt much more alone in returning from Korea than I ever did while I was in Korea.

Then today, I remembered so vivid something my high school guidance counselor said when I came back after graduation to get some advice. She had said that she had been doing her job for many years, yet had never seen someone as popular as I was, yet more alone walking through the halls than anyone else she had ever seen. She said it always perplexed her.

That is the way I feel today....popular, known by many....yet, feeling so alone. As if I am journeying through this life by myself with only GOD as my guide. And I do know that HE is all I want and all I need. But I am suppose to be journeying down the path in community with others.

Genesis 2:18 The Lord God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."

This was in "Living the Message" yesterday:

A beech tree in winter, white
Intricacies unconcealed
Against sky blue and billowed
Clouds, carries in his emptiness
Ripeness; sap ready to rise
On signal, buds alert to burst
To leaf. And then after a season
Of summer a lean ring to remember
The lush fulfilled promises.
Empty again in wise poverty
That lets the reaching branches stretch
A millimeter more towards heaven,
The bole expands ever so slightly
And push roots into the firm
Foundation, lucky to be leafless:
Deciduous reminder to let it go.

[Jesus said,]"You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule." Matthew 5:3

And this one was in "Living the Message" today:

Flash floods of tears, torrents of them,
Erode cruel canyons, exposing
Long forgotten strata of live
Laid down in the peaceful decades:
A badlands beauty. The same sun
That decorates each day with colors
From arroyos and mesas, also shows
Every old scar and cut of lament.
Weeping washes the wounds clean
And leaves them to heal, which always
Takes an age or two. No pain
Is ugly in past tense. Under
The Mercy every hurt is a fossil
Link in the great chain of becoming.
Pick and shovel prayers often
Turn them up in valleys of death.

[Jesus said,]"You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you." Matthew 5:4