...at least on this idea of love. I have been hoping, believing, trusting, and waiting for SOMETHING for the past 16 months. What that SOMETHING is I don't know for sure.
But what I do know is the man that I thought was the most amazing man I had met seems to have become the biggest idiot and the littlest boy I have ever met.
I don't know what hurts my heart more; feeling rejected, deceived, and cheated or believing in him and HIM for that matter in this area of my journey. I guess I believed him to be something he is not and that hurts. But actions do speak louder than the words I have heard. I also believed that GOD had my heart in HIS Hand this time. I trusted that and that disappointment hurts, too.
Because actions speak louder than words I have given up on this one wish, want, desire, and dream. It is the same old thing over and over and my heart can't take it any more. I had thought that the last time before this was it. I had stopped wishing, wanting, desiring, and dreaming; and then he walked in my life and..... Well, it just doesn't matter any more. (I wrote about this in more detail to a handful of friends whom I have been keeping updated on this whole area of life, some comments are from that email).
I have given up on the idea of being that little girl standing in front of a boy and asking him to love me. I think I am just gonna stick with GOD and GOD alone. Everything else hurts too much.
7 comments:
I read your blog today (12/7/07)...It is as if your words you said, about being frustrated and giving up...I feel everyone of them. The hurt, the rejection and just wanting to be loved. Sadly, trying to explain the deepness of the hurt is hard to do. I think you get it though.
It is so hard for me to pray, knowing the power of Christ and knowing He will not overcome the hardness of a heart without the surrendering of ones will. However, we are called to pray...so worship through obedience.
In the end, Christ wants us to love Him out of free choice to do so. Out of pure sacrificing of giving of oneself for the good of another. Seems like an easy concept.
Sorry for the rambling....I write all of that to say, I am sorry you are hurting. I will pray that God will protect your heart and bring good out of even this hurt you are going through (as His Word promises).
Thank you for praying for me. It is needed significantly, just to get through each day.
I am sorry.
I hear you and the pain.
I have read many of your blogs but not commented before today, probably because reading about your adventures and trials and victories have been a great blessing to me. I believe that your heart is pure despite the pain you may feel because of your undeniable devotion to Jesus.I can tell you that i am sorry for how you feel and the frustration you are going through, how giving up is better than getting hurt again and again. I think I know where you are coming from. It seems that our relationships just keep letting us down.
Just know that you are prayed for all the time and I guess its easy when your in my thoughts often. Jesus will never let you down and because you are totally his what earthly problems can possibley stop you from your true goals. I know that when I go home He is always there and through His strength I am reminded that my purpose is to take care of my chidren and lead them to Christ.
I think God has plans that we just dont see sometimes or we dont want to see. Gods plans always come true and it amazes me how things always get better after these hard times.
Step back, take a deep breath, close your eyes......... He is there.
I pray that Jesus blesses you today and everyday!!
I was touched by your email and feel sad for you right now. We all want that special someone in our lives to love and cherish. I don't know why you've had such discouragement in this area. I know you have tons of people in your life trying to encourage you and tell you how wonderful you are. (Which you are by the way). I've never met anyone like you with so much devotion to God. Everyone's story or experience is different, or they may be the same.
Hi Kimie,
I too have experienced (am experiencing now) what you are going through. And it's very much the same. Her actions don't match her words. And i'm having the same thoughts as you.
What I do know is that God places these challenges before us to build our character and change our hearts to what He wants. Our decisions/non-decisions dictate the ending results. And when it doesn't meet our own system of checks and balances our hearts become hardened (which isn't what God intends) and it taints us for all other relationships, romantic or not. And when the right candidate does come by they see this hardening (and maybe misinterpet).
Time will pass and your heart will heal. But you must let it heal. Your Lord already knows your need and the desires of your heart and He's already making plans to heal it...just let HIM.
This short talk was just good for me as well. You helped me see what i must do to heal my heart and move on.
I have learned how to keep my heart receptive and warm for that special person...so can you. Christ fills it and I leave no room for anything that will harden it.
I love you Kimie and wish you all the happiness this Christmas brings.
Let me see if I got this right........You can trust God to take you across the country from you family and live on your own in some very challenging environments. You can trust God to take you across the world to work with people in a culture you don't understand and expect to try and win their souls. You can trust God with your salvation. You can trust God for all of the direction in your life in who you meet and be a light to them. You can trust God to work on the hearts of your unsaved friends and family so that you can shine His light into their lives and save them. You can leave everything to him but your love life? I love you to death Kimie, but I may have to kick your butt. If anything, your love life might be the least of all the items I mentioned before because your love life was the only thing that didn't have an eternal impact. I'm not saying that your love life is not important to God or everyone else, but if anything it should be the easiest for you to give to him. I can understand hurt. I can understand pain. I can understand not wanting to open up to anyone else because it hurts to bad to expose yourself anymore. However, I don't understand saying that you can't trust God to handle it for you. If you doubt him on an issue such as this what is to keep that doubt from spreading to the rest of your life. I don't believe for a second that you actually meant what you said. You have lived too close to the edge and seen just how much control God has over all of us. Remember if He isn't Lord over all, you need to ask if he is Lord at all. I know you are hurt, but I still believe He is Lord over all for you. I love you and wish I could give you a hug. By the way, when are you coming to town? We still have a bedroom available if you need it.
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