Fighting....

...GOD that is, yep you read that right! Not the fighting for joy as in a previous entry, but fighting God. I feel like I'm fighting what it is I'm hearing GOD ask of me. I think HE is saying "jump", kind of like jumping off a cliff or I can most recently connect it to the high ropes course at Lost Canyon's Young Life Camp when I had to jump to grab a hold of a bar off a platform in the trees.

I know what that bar represented in my life, something I want to be very badly, but....
I actually didn't jump for the bar, it was there but something I wasn't focused on. I said I trust you God, closed my eyes, and jumped off the platform.... my heart kept saying this is what I want you to do with your life right now Kimie, just jump and trust me, but GOD it doesn't make any sense!! I know this isn't about the bar, but about GOD and what HE wants from me.

I've been searching for the past couple of weeks for answers.... asking how and why all the time. I don't understand. Funny thing is I'm in a very familiar place for me, it isn't like I haven't been here before, but yet it all is so different than any other time before. I've been feeling so many different emotions over the last month. In some cases I didn't feel like GOD was giving me a yes that I wanted to hear, but HE wasn't giving a no either. One day I'd feel peace one way, and then the next day I'd have peace in the other direction. It was driving me crazy and I KNOW that isn't from the Lord. Then my heart began to ache. However, with a broken heart I allowed myself to make a decision that kept me with some safety, in a place where I didn't have to risk anything more... but is that really walking in obedience with GOD?

A friend suggested that I find a way to be still and SILENT before GOD... that sounds so easy, right? But is so darn hard, especially for me. There is so much noise inside my head and heart ALL the time. I think and feel about every situation and opportunity that comes my way, or could come my way. And I just feel so tired and so overwhelmed and so alone right now. And so desperately wanting to hear GOD's voice and be led by HIM. The most important thing to me is loving and serving HIM, no matter what HE asks of me, and I've always been willing to risk whatever.

So I've been trying to be silent....another friend shared the verse "Be still, and know that I am God." ~Psalm 46:10 that she says when she can't be still and quiet before GOD. So I took their advice and obeyed... daily I sit some where and try to be still before GOD... I have a ty beanie baby bear that is on its knees in prayer called Hope that I hold onto and if I can't get quiet I repeat "Be still, and know that I am God."

The interesting thing is that "Be still, and know that I am God." ~Psalm 46:10 is the verse on the cover of 'Our Daily Bread' for the months of June, July, and August 2010. God's not speaking is He? I even went back and read some parts of Habakkuk, especially 2:3, which has spoken to me in the past and gave some encouragement.

I am still feeling unsettled and feel I'm hearing GOD tell me to jump... but I got nothing in the jump: man- not any more, job- a possible cracked door, Young Life ministry- not yet.... so GOD this doesn't make sense. I'll be still, and wait for you.... Hmmm, I'm fighting what Your speaking in my heart and head, I don't want to be disobedient, but I need something of safety, Please!!

And then it is time to go to camp, Yes... a week to be used by GOD and relax, get away from it all, especially my grad project and not really think about ALL that is going on in my life at the moment... but I go knowing that I WANT so badly to hear HIM loud and clear. I KNOW HE may speak to me this week too and not just use me in the lives of others. But, I really want to just escape all thoughts and be used.

HE did speak softly during the ropes course, but I kept pushing those words and thoughts of another him out of my mind and heart as best as I could, I tried to be present for the girls in my cabin. Though as I said above, I did close my eyes and jump and that sent something thru my whole being.

Then Friday, the last day of camp hit and I really heard HIM. First, when I was spending some time with the Lord, I felt led to check my email through my phone. And there was an email from my supervising teacher that I keep in touch with. She usually forwards encouragement titled "God's Promises" only Monday's, but there happened to be another one sent this week that she had sent that day, Friday, June 11, 2010. I had just been praying and asking GOD to just protect my heart and keep it from the hurt that was gonna come like all the other times before. I was telling Him that I won't hope for something that wasn't and couldn't be. And here is what I got:

"Everything God does is love-even when we do not understand Him." ~Basilea Schlink

Lord, thanks for loving us so much!
Love in Him,
Debbie

"O taste and see that the Lord is good: blessed is the man that trusted in him."
Psalm 34:8

At this point, I think I was making the message go the way I wanted and said... see I don't understand this all and I have to just trust you, everything happens for a reason and I'll be ok without, your timing is perfect. I confirmed my don't hope for this.... And then I read some more:

This week's promise: God's timing is perfect

Delay Is Not Rejection

Although Jesus loved Martha, Mary, and Lazarus, he stayed where he was for the next two days and did not go to them. Finally, after two days, he said to his disciples, "Let's go to Judea again."
John 11:5-7 NLT

God often delays His response out of love, as He works all things together for good. ~Jeanne Zornes

Waiting with hope

Mary and Martha had sent their friend Jesus a message about the critical condition of their brother, Lazarus, and their urgent need for his help: "Lord, the one you love is very sick" (John 11:3). But instead of rushing off to Bethany, Jesus stayed where he was for two days before responding to Mary and Martha's plea. When he did arrive, he raised Lazarus from the dead in a magnificent display of his power.

Just as Mary and Martha struggled when Jesus answered their prayers for Lazarus in a time and way different from what they had expected, we get frustrated when the Lord delays in coming to us and answering our prayers.

As it did for the grieving sisters, two days (or two months or two years) of waiting can seem like an eternity to us. But in the midst of the "delay," God is not inactive. He is teaching us patience, perseverance, and faith and is planning to glorify himself in our circumstances. While we are waiting, he wants to cleanse our hearts and refocus us on Jesus. The Spirit always knows what will glorify God, and we can trust him when we're in the waiting room.

LORD, help me to wait for you in hope and perseverance, knowing that you will come. Grant me patience and faith in the waiting room of life yet to be.

I can't begin to tell you the overwhelming feeling of Peace that I had and the words: Waiting with Hope just stuck out and warmed my heart, then I heard 'jump'.... and I fought it again, even recalling Habakkuk 2:3.

Secondly, The rest of my morning goes into more details during a conversation with some Young Life leaders from another state. All I know is at the end of it they said: "What are the chances that GOD would have us at the same camp during the same week and give you connections".... again, Peace in my heart and Jump in my head.... Really GOD, Really!??!

It goes on when that night I read "God Calling" June 11- THE MARK!
O Lord, we thank Thee for Thy great gift of Peace.
That is the Peace, that only I can give in the midst of a restless world and surrounded by trouble and difficulty. To know that Peace is to have received the stamp of the Kingdom- the mark of the Lord Jesus Christ. My Mark. When you have learned that Peace you are fit to judge of true values, the values of the Kingdom, and the values of all the world has to offer. That Peace is loving faith at rest.

We travel home on Saturday... which has many things to tell on its own, especially the BIG driving scare we had.... Praising GOD for keeping us ALL safe in my vehicle and preventing something from happening that could have been really, really bad!

Once I arrive home and get Murray.... I do some unpacking and laundry and then go to spend some time with GOD... Knowing that this next week I'm locking myself in to complete my grad project. I read a hand out one of the head leaders gave us one leader meeting during the week at camp and then "God Calling" for the day, REALLY:

After Obedience- What? "My Utmost for His Highest":
July 28 Oswald Chambers
"And straightway He constrained His disciples to get into the ship, and to go to the other side..." ~Mark 6:45-52
We are apt to imagine that if Jesus Christ constrains us, and we obey Him, He will lead us to great success. We must never put our dreams of success as God's purpose for us; His purpose may be exactly the opposite. We have an idea that God is leading us to a particular end, a desired goal; He is not. The question of getting to a particular end is a mere incident. What we call the process, God calls the end. What is my dream of God's purpose? His purpose is that I depend on Him and on His power now. If I can stay in the middle of the turmoil calm and unperplexed, that is the end of the purpose of God. God is not working towards a particular finish; His end is the process- that I see Him walking on the waves, no shore in sight, no success, no goal, just the absolute certainty that it is all right because I see Him walking on the sea. It is the process, not the end, which is glorifying to God. God's training is for now, not presently. His purpose is for this minute, not for something in the future. We have nothing to do with the afterwards of obedience; we get wrong when we think of the afterwards. What men call training and preparation, God calls the end. God's end is to enable me to see that He can walk on the chaos of my life just now. If we have a further end in view, we do not pay sufficient attention to the immediate present: if we realize that obedience is the end, then each moment as it comes is precious.

"God Calling" June 12- HOUSE ON A ROCK
Be watchful to hear My Voice and instantly to obey. Obedience is your sign of faith. "Why call ye Me Lord, Lord, and do not the things that I say?" was My word when on Earth to the many who followed and heard, but did not do. I likened the man who heard and did not do to the man who built his house on the sand. In times of storm and trouble he is overthrown; his house falls. I likened the man who obeyed Me implicitly to the man who built his house upon a rock. In times of storm he is steadfast, immovable. Do not feel that by this I mean only the keeping of My Commandments, even the living My Sermon on the Mount. I mean more than that to those who know Me intimately. I mean the following, in all, the Inner Guiding that I give, the little injunctions I speak to each individual soul, the wish I express- and the desire to have carried out. The secure, steadfast, immovable life of My disciples, the Rock Home, is not built at a wish, in a moment, but is laid, stone by stone, foundations, walls, roof, by the acts of obedience, the daily following out of My wishes, the loving doing of My Will. And it is in the Rock Home, manmade but divinely inspired- The House of Obedience- the truest expression of a disciple's adoration and worship- it is there I come to dwell with My loved one.

It would seem I'd have a dream, desire, a goal (like the bar) to reach.... BUT I can honestly say that that is NOT playing a part in this at all.... matter of fact it is the thing that is probably making me fight the words I'm hearing from GOD.... It doesn't make any sense to "jump"... why when I KNOW my heart is broken and I have security, though little, where I'm at..... I gotta TRUST GOD, but what I'm thinking the purpose and outcome is the same as it always is.... so why "jump"? Ugh!!

Today's "God Calling" even spoke more to me.... I know I'm not explaining it and am keeping many details out of this (though think HOW Long it already is)... many may know exactly what I'm talking and thinking about, but....

Anyways, let me share for today and finish this... then get to work on closing a chapter of my journey by finishing up my Masters project and being DONE.... Then, I'll Be Still, and Know that HE is GOD.... I know I'll Listen and Obey, but can I ask HIM for a clear, loud voice and some security in the "jump"?

"God Calling" June 13- GOD-INSPIRED
You have entered now upon a mountain climb. Steep steps lead upward, but your power to help others will be truly marvelous. Not alone will you arise. All towards whom you now send loving, pitying thoughts will be helped upward by you. Looking to Me all your thoughts are God-Inspired. Act on them and you will be led on. They are not your own impulses but the movement of My Spirit and , obeyed, will bring the answer to your prayers. Love and Trust. Let no unkind thoughts of any dwell in your hearts, then I can act with all My Spirit-power, with nothing to hinder.