Heavy Heart this Weekend

I woke up Saturday with a very heavy heart. I think it mostly has to do with the fact that Friday some of us teachers went to see the new school's location. The new building is located much more in the center of Seoul. It is near the military base and an area known as Itaewon. This is GOOD for the school in that there are many more foreigners in the area, much better chance for more students. The hard part for me and some others is getting use to this environment and then having to start all over.

We all decided to pray for the school and then one teacher sensing the mood of many said, "You know if this is where God wants to be, then I want to be where God is at." And yes, I do feel the same way. I am just not looking forward to the commute, but they are already looking to move us into apartments over there pretty quickly. However, rumor has it that they are looking for single apartments for those of us who are single. These will be like closets, a studio apartment that will be very small. I don't care about the size, I don't want to live by myself. I know I could do it if say there was three or four of us right next door to each other.

I know I have just spent the past few months living in excitement, yet uncertainty. I finally got here and am trying to not be overwhelmed and take it all in, and again I find I am really living through uncertainty. I just long to get settled in and find community.

And a secondary reason I think for the heaviness is with getting to know new people again. I have been content with who I am in Christ and where He has me in life. Yet every time I get to know new people I must hear the same things and get questioned. Them NOT believing I am 37 years old because I look so much younger. Then comes the questions of; And your still single? Why? Which then leads to more questions.

The not believing my age did come up the other day when getting to know another teacher. However, she asked me a question in a manner I have never been asked before. She asked NOT why I wasn't married, but if I wanted to be married. I was shocked at how deeply moved my heart was when I answered her and shared with her my greatest heart's desire.

These two things have caused me to feel lonely and overwhelmed this weekend. However, I am NOT doubting that I am exactly where God wants me to be at this time and for a purpose as this.

Saturday, I went in to school to write about this but was pleasantly distracted with IM'ing (chatting thru MSN Messenger) for a couple of hours with some people. I forgot about the heaviness for a while (thanks Daryan and Sheli). Then I went and cleaned my apartment and did laundry. Hung out later with some other teachers and held the baby (which I also ended up doing tonight as well).

I still cried myself to sleep that night. I longed to be held by God, but through physical arms, the way I wanted when I first decided to do this and was so stressed with working two jobs as well. It never happened then and I know it won't right now.

Today, I went to church near the new school's location, which felt like I was at church in the States. I don't know if this helped, since last night I have really felt homesick, or made it worse. I guess I have had too much time alone and am really missing the community I have been a part of for so long.

Though on a positive note, I made it home by myself on the subway after church today. I even went to get lunch and exchange some money.

I know God is speaking to me and comforting me though. He did this weekend through my devotions. "God Calling" by AJ Russell:

August 26 ACCEPT TRIALS

Trials and troubles may seem to overwhelm you. They cannot do more than work My Will, and that Will you have said is your Will.
Do you not see that you cannot be destroyed?
From now a new Life is opening out before you. Yours to enter into the Kingdom I have prepared for you.
The sunlight of My Presence is on your paths. Trust and go forward. My Grace is sufficient for all your needs.

August 27 TANGLED SKEINS
"In quietness and in confidence shall be your strength." Isaiah 30:15

Feel that..trust Me. Am I not leading you safely, faithfully? Will you believe Me, your Master, that all this is really to bring the answer to your prayers?
Remember that I am the Supreme Being who knows all and can control all.....

....Tell Me that you trust Me in this.


And all I know without a doubt is that I want to be where ever He is at and where He wants me and how He wants me.

Maybe God has had a heavy heart too, it rained hard Friday afternoon, and then on and off Saturday all the way into late Sunday evening. Which is very unusual for this time of the year here in Seoul.