Rough Day

Today was my first really rough day since returning to the States. Well, other than feeling tired my first week back due to jet lag. Why do I write about it knowing that we all have rough days is because I have been anticipating it.

I have been very surprised how great I have been doing, but today, I felt more alone than any of the days in Korea. Oh, PRAISE JESUS, that I KNOW I am not, but I still felt so alone today.

Maybe it was coming down from a really big high over the weekend. I had a great time up in Winter Park reading a book with a friend and just enjoying my surroundings. It was a weekend filled with quality time with someone who means so much to me. I am very thankful for that time and opportunity to have experienced with her.

So why this strong feeling today? In feeling alone, which again I know I am not, it caused me to drop my defenses so to speak and allow the enemy to whisper very loudly in my ear. Which I am sure only added to my feelings. And brought doubt to my heart. This hurt I think more than anything because I don't want to doubt GOD, yet at this very moment it is hard to trust in what I know to be true and what I know I know. I hate knowing the truth, yet having to fight my feelings.........it makes me feel like I am doubting GOD and not trusting HIM.

As I felt alone today, I recalled that I read something that goes along with this in Our Daily Bread on Sunday.

Joe Stowell wrote: We all face storms that threatens to confuse and disorient us. It may be a call from the doctor's office, a friend who has betrayed you, or a shattered dream. Those are the times to be especially careful. When you are blinded by life's disappointments, don't trust your instincts. Flying by the seat of your pants in the storms of life can lead to despair, confusion, and vengeful responses that make matters worse. GOD wants to guide you, and HIS Word is packed with wisdom and insights for living. HIS "Word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path" (Psalm 119:105). Where HE leads is always right! "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will guide you with My eye." (Psalm 32:8)

I don't feel like I am in a storm, but I do need to remember that it is HE who guides me and I know HIS promises. I can't trust in the way I feel today, which is alone, very alone. For I know I am not. HE is with me and HE has placed me presently where I know that I am loved.

Maybe these feelings are some underlying ones that I haven't dealt with yet from Korea, things that the enemy knows can get to my heart and blind me from the truth, so he whispers what cuts in deep........... although I am blinded at the moment, I can not trust my feelings, but only TRUST in what I know to be true from the LORD. Even if that is hard to do right now.

God Calling for today went along these same lines. No man has the power to disturb that Peace (that passes all understanding), but you yourselves can let the world and its worries and distractions in. You can give entrance to fears and despondency. You can open the door to the robber who breaks in upon and destroys, your Peace...Do not let those about you spoil your peace of heart and mind....set yourself to see that none of it touches the harmony of the real you, that is hid with Me in the Secret Place of the Father.

I am the person who is letting whatever it is in and disturbing my peace, though I am trying very hard to fight it. Funny, do you think GOD knew that I would be feeling this way today........so HE brought me some words in order that HE could guide me to what I know is true.

Again, I feel more alone today in this moment than I have in the past 11 months. And I know that my time in Korea was very much spent alone with only GOD. However, I PRAISE HIM, knowing that I do feel a certain way right now, but I'm not trusting those feelings.........I am fighting to TRUST in HIM alone.

HE still brought moments that were hugs from HIM tonight. Like while responding to emails with my computer on my lap, I had the most precious little blonde sitting on the arm of the chair with her version of a computer on her lap. GOD's hug. Then, as I went to a Bible Study tonight I was greeted by a friend whom I haven't seen in a year. He gave me a big hug and even lifted me off the ground. Two moments that made my heart smile today, KNOWING that GOD is GOD and right here with me in the mist of my feelings.

Some where recently I read the words "Purpose in our Hearts"...........today, it reminds me that I need to purpose in my heart what I know to be TRUE, not trust my feelings, but TRUST in GOD.