Yes, the Lord is silent at times and I question with longing.... but, I haven't questioned my Faith or felt like there was emptiness and darkness deep down inside. Everyday I breathe strengthens my Faith. I know that I am fully known, fully loved, and not rejected by Him as with others. I knew it was only a matter of time before the silence ended. He's always been right here, even as I have walked through this desert.... He spoke right when I needed Him to, but He's been reminding the whole time that I am exactly where I am suppose to be... I've never questioned His Love for me.... just my own heart. And I Praise and Thank God for each of those moments in my life.... and will continue to until the day I take my last breathe... for He is the very air I breathe....
April 21, I heard GOD speak and HE was pretty loud at that.
The week started Monday, April 20, with my meeting with the principal to go over my evaluation. I got a very good review and was excited. I love where I work and took the principal's suggestions on the one area that she wanted to see me grow more in. I was really excited to share with her the class I had over the summer that would be helping with that next year. I left on a very good note.
Then came Tuesday, April 21, when I received a phone call from the University saying that my student teaching was denied, but after my principal asked me a question about it a few minutes before. So I decided to go and find out what was going on....
All I know is that I left the office at that moment really feeling confused and pretty yucky in my heart. I had a meeting on Wednesday, April 22, to find out about my status/contract for next year. I left work on the 21st feeling in my gut like I was gonna be told the next day that I was not coming back to teach there the next year. I had a counseling appointment where I shared my fears.... then a treat of a massage. So I got home pretty late.
When I arrived home I got ready for bed and then spent my usual before going to sleep time with God. I started with "Our Daily Bread" for the day.... it was titled "Thunderstorm Thoughts"
The scripture you were to read was Matthew 8:23-27.... and ODB had Philippians 4:9- The God of peace will be with you. I felt a huge lump start to form in my throat and stomach... I didn't read Matthew for I knew what it said. Then I read: I've heard thunderstorms in my head,...Our minds become a tempest of "what if" questions. We focus on all the possible bad outcomes. Our fear, worry, and trust in God fluctuate as we wait, we pray, we grieve, and we wonder what the Lord will do.... We wish that Jesus would always calm the storms of our life as He calmed the storm for the disciples that day. But we can find moments of peace when we're anchored to the truth that He's in the boat with us and He cares.-Anne Cetas
At this point I was thinking GOD was just letting me know not to think about the worst outcome, but to stay focused on HIM. After all, I had already been asking the "what if" questions while waiting, praying, grieving, and wondering what He was up to and what He was gonna do in my life for quite sometime now. At that moment, I felt this warmth in my heart and felt the tears stream down my cheek.... was just feeling HIS love, then I read "God Calling" as it started with:
You will conquer. Do not fear changes.
Now I was crying sooo hard, not because I knew at that moment the storm was really coming and I wasn't gonna have a job for next year. I was crying because of HIS presence. GOD was speaking in a way I hadn't heard in a very very long time. He was giving me the one thing I had been desperate for for so long. HIS voice. I never doubted that He had been there with me, I doubted my own heart... and here HE was speaking and placing a peace in my heart right when I really needed Him to.
"God Calling" went on with: You can never fear changes when I, your Lord, change not. Jesus Christ, the same yesterday, today, and forever. I am beside you. Steadfastness, unchangingness, come to you, too, as you dwell with Me. Rest in Me. ...So, My dear children, take this training, not as harsh, but as the tender loving answer to your petition. Life can never be the same again...
I even went back to re-read "Our Daily Bread" taking something different away from it.... as if hearing HIS voice even more. At the bottom it was written: To realize the worth of the anchor, we need to feel the stress of the storm.
Oh was I feeling HIS worth and knew the storm was gonna hit the next day.... I went to sleep with an indescribable peace in my heart. As well as walking into that meeting on Wednesday, unshakable and full of peace. I know HE has a plan and everything is gonna work out. There was a peace like never before.
Truly felt so known, loved, and without fear of rejection..... GOD loves me and I trust HIM right now more than I ever have before. What a peace and an Acceptance-with-Joy....
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