"I don't know"

On Friday, I desperately needed and WANTED to hear from GOD. At times, I don't feel like I am doing all that great since returning home. It seems like more days are struggles than are not. It is really a million things that are going on in my head and heart at the moment. And as much as I hate that old saying "I don't know"..............well, that is what is true right now in my life. I hate this saying because it is really saying "I don't want to go there....so I don't know." I truly do not know what is going on in my life at the moment and that is most of the problem. I don't know why I am struggling and that two or three days a week seem rough emotionally.

Why is it I start crying for no reason. Life is good in some aspects and a hard struggle in others. However, this is nothing new or different, especially for me. Life is always like this. I actually had a friend recently say she didn't know how I did it, because just being my friend was exhausting enough. I knew exactly what it was she was saying.

So back to my original thought, GOD speaking to me when I so desperately Wanted and needed HIM too. I opened up "God Calling" after I so cried out to HIM and here is what I read and felt HE was speaking to me.

Beloved, you are called to save and share in a very special way. The way of sorrows if walked with Me, the Man of Sorrows, is a path kept sacred and secret for My nearest and dearest, those whose one desire is to do all for Me, to sacrifice all for Me, to count, as My servant Paul did, "all things but loss so that they might gain Me." But, dreary as that Path must look to those who view it only from afar, it has tender lights and restful shades that no other walk in life can give.

I have wanted to write all weekend, but without my computer it is hard to do so whenever I have a thought or want too. Then today, I reread something I received from a friend recently. It is a poem, thoughts she wrote and I just feel like sharing them here with this message.

Do you look life in the eyes

do you look life in the eyes
or do you shy away
from yourself and it
for what it really is

life is one though
dreary long road

but in between
the struggles and
pain and disappointments

there are rays of hope
grace and love

these can be found in the
simple things
like a beautiful sunset,
the clouds on a clear day
the hug of a good friend
the voice of someone familiar

do you accept your
life for what it is

an opportunity for God
to grow your heart and your spirit

and do you Cherish the opportunity
to share your life with people
you meet along the way.

search your heart, search for light and when you find it be the mirror that reflects it to a broken and burdened world. Love always, Vibeke

I read this and then "Living the Message" for today, which said:

Jeremiah did not resolve to stick it out for twenty-three years, no matter what; he got up every morning with the sun. The day was God's day, not the people's. He didn't get up to face rejection, he got up to meet with God. He didn't rise to put up with another round of mockery, he rose to be with his Lord. That is the secret of his persevering pilgrimage- not thinking with dread about the long road ahead but greeting the present moment, every present moment, with obedient delight, with expectant hope: "My heart is ready!"

This is true for me presently and I am reminded that we all go through different seasons of life at different times. I am just in a season right now. I do have JOY and Peace in my heart........I just don't feel 'happy' a couple days a week. I do wish I knew why. But maybe right now I am not suppose to know why. GOD knows I am not afraid to go deep, so I am not just using 'I don't know' as an excuse. I am ready and willing to go there, where ever there is. I am very ready to 'pick up my mat and go' as Matthew 9:6 talks about and a friend shared so wonderfully. I am also ready just to REST in the place GOD has me at the moment. Who says that we have to be 'happy' all the time. I will REST in this season that the LORD has placed me in. It is about being present in the moment, seizing it for all it has, whether that moment is good or bad I want to be fully present in it.

A line from the movie, "Notting Hill", comes to mind. It is where Julia Roberts stands in front of Hugh Grant and says: "I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her." It is where I feel I am at, but it is not standing in front of a boy. It is me standing in front of JESUS and saying, "I am just a little girl, standing at the foot of the cross, asking HIM to take me in HIS arms and never letting go."