What is happening?

I don't know what is happening, but it feels like the hardest thing I have ever had to face in my life. I feel I am losing who I am. I don't know how to get me back. I am discouraged, lost, and very broken.

Here is what I just shared in an email to most of you:

In John 10:10 it says, "The thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy." To be honest with you all........ he is winning right now with my heart. The enemy is stealing my joy, killing my spirit, and destroying my heart. I don't have the strength to go on some days, though I do know that it is the LORD that carries me through each day...I really can't. What hope is there to look toward at the moment, other than the Hope that comes from JESUS CHRIST. That Hope that someday I will get to sit at HIS feet, get to talk to HIM face to face. The enemy is winning today, because I feel I don't have hope or joy. If that makes any sense? But, don't get me wrong, I do know that we all go through different seasons in our life and this is just one of them. I will make it through, because I have Faith and Hope in the RISEN CHRIST. And I DO KNOW that it is HE who gives me the strength right now to carry on. And I do see HIM in so many different moments, like this morning in the sunrise. I am praising HIM and thanking HIM and hoping in HIM and trusting in HIM and waiting on HIM and loving through, in, and with HIM. I just feel crushed and destroyed at the same time. I pray this finds you meeting the RISEN CHRIST in moments like the sunrise as well.

To continue, I guess the best way for me to share what is going on is to give you a small piece of an email that my headmaster/principal wrote to me and then an email from a friend and fellow coworker. I think it sums up some of the things that have been going on, without going into long details. It looks like I am losing a student in my class as well.

Headmaster wrote:
For several weeks now I have received multiple complaints from almost all the parents of your students regarding anger and yelling at students. Some of the complaints I have received includes elements of students crying, both at school and later at home, and students (most of them) not wanting to go to school or making statements of being scared of their teacher.

I have noticed a change in you from the summer. You are normally a bubbly and joyful person and I feel you have been under spiritual attack. Know that you are in my prayers. I am confident that things will get better for you. I just need to know from the Lord how I can help guide you and support you in that path. After a year overseas, much is happened in your heart and mind that you might not even be aware of. I have seen it in many believers who went overseas.

You are an awesome woman and a beautiful daughter of God. I am thankful you are with us. You are a blessing and an asset to this school. We all love you as a cherished sister in Christ. Sometimes bumps along the road are used of God to help us be more like Christ. We should look at those unpleasant "bumps" with joy and thanksgiving, humbly allowing the Holy Spirit to change us and mold us to be more like the Son of God.

Friend/Coworker wrote:
At the moment I am just hurting for you and not even sure what to say. I want you to know that I hear him say (and I agree) that you are a beautiful daughter of God and that we believe you are a great woman of faith and strength. I know that this is going to be a hard thing, but my prayer is that God will teach you and grow you stronger in Him because of it.

Here is something that one of my professors in college and grad school taught us: There are two responses when criticism comes your way: --if it's true (and we all make mistakes), confess, repent, and walk in His forgiveness and grace; --if it's not true, give it to the Lord and trust Him to be your defense and know that you stand before Him in truth.

I think this is hard, because I grew up in a home where there always seemed to be anger. I learned to walk on eggshells at a very young age. I grew up in 4th Grade because Mom got mad enough and left for a while and someone had to take care of the three men at home. I knew back at that young age that I would rather die than every be like that. Don't get wrong, as I have gotten older I have learned to be soooo thankful for my childhood. Both the good and bad have shaped and formed who I am today. Well at least I had thought so.

I keep questioning who I am and who I am in Christ. Maybe you can never get over something like that. It is in my genes and maybe it is who I am. I know that if any of you know me, you would know that I would rather die than hurt anyone in this way. I would rather take all the pain myself. Like I said, I choose a long time ago not to walk down that same path. If I ever get married I would NEVER treat my husband that way, and when it comes to children....like I said I would rather die.

But, as I think about that, well maybe that is why I am not married and don't have children. GOD knows it would break my heart to ever hurt anyone like that. So maybe it is my true nature to be this way. I don't feel this is true about me, but maybe GOD knows that I really can't break these chains that bind and that is why HE has kept me single and someone from loving me.

I know this is not true of me and I have laid it at the foot of the cross and given it to the LORD. Yet, it still doesn't make it any easier. And I don't know what I am feeling, yet feel like it has something still to do about my time spent in Korea.

*note it has almost been a month since I began this and am just now editing and posting it to my blog. Things have gotten better in some ways and how the students were sharing things has come to light. However, I still have lost myself in the whole situation. Even this past week three people (1 someone every close, 2 an acquaintance, and 3 someone I haven't seen in two years) said that I wasn't me and haven't been in a very long time. HELP me LORD!