With 1 Moment....

As I reflect on the end of 2007, I am reminded more than anything that GOD can and will change everything in one moment. That one moment can be anything. A phone call, email, a chance meeting, etc...

Most recently for me was the moment when I was getting ready to register for classes at CCU, but was given a name of someone to contact about Special Education a few days before. I hadn't heard anything back and found the phone call I finally received back interesting as it was received minutes before I would have been registering. This phone call opened up the door to look into a Masters of Education degree at Regis University along with a license in Special Education. Not only that, it led me to the interview I had on Friday to TEACH while going to school in and for a Special Education classroom at a school in the Cherry Creek School District (like the best district in Colorado). This all has truly been the Hand of GOD. I had a plan, but HE led me to something much better.

I also got to spend a week alone in the mountains with GOD. Where HE once again began to speak, especially through the things I was reading (the end of "Soul Cravings" by Erwin McManus, as well as my usual "Our Daily Bread", "God Calling", and "Living the Message").

However, I have to admit that I held back from going deeper with HIM there. I recalled a year ago being in Indonesia on the Island of Bali at Kuta Beach and how loud and clear GOD spoke to me. Yet, I think about all that has happened since that moment and I am confused. I have this fear, sort of doubt that I haven't experienced before. I have this sense of loss, hurt, and disappointment that has made me fear drawing that close to GOD, at least in the way I had a year ago.

But then I think how GOD continues to change things with just a moment. HE has been and still is working and moving in my life. Though I have this fear, GOD speaks to those who take time to listen, and HE listens to those who take time to pray. HE seems to hit me right where my fear and doubts are. Again, HE spoke through the end of "Soul Cravings" and the past three days of "God Calling" really have parts or the whole devotion that stand out to me and fit with where I am at lately. They are:

December 29
...Go forward gladly and unafraid. I am with you. With man your task may be impossible, but with God all things are possible.

December 30 Fishers Of Men
When you think of those of whom you read who are in anguish, do you ever think how My Heart must ache with the woe of it, with the anguish of it?
If I beheld the city and wept over it, how much more should I weep over the agony of these troubled hearts, over lives that seek to live without My sustaining Power.
"They will not come unto Me that they might have Life."
Live to bring others to Me, the only Source of Happiness and Heart-Peace.

And to end the year with words I needed to hear:

December 31
Jesus. That is the Name by which you conquer. Jesus. Not as cringing suppliants but as those recognizing a Friend, say My Name- Jesus. "Thou shall call His Name Jesus for He shall save His people from their sins."
And in that word "sins" read not only vice and degradation, but doubts, fears, tempers, despondencies, impatience, lack of Love in big and little things. Jesus. "He shall save His people from their sins." The very uttering of the Name lifts the soul away from petty valley-irritations to mountain heights.
"He shall save His people from their sins." Savior and Friend, Joy-bringer and Rescuer, Leader and Guide- Jesus. Do you need delivering from cowardice, from adverse circumstances, from poverty, from failure, from weakness?
"There is none other Name...whereby you can be saved"- JESUS. Say it often. Claim the Power it brings.

As 2007 comes to a close I want to cry out to JESUS. I want to begin 2008 with that same cry and to say the Name -JESUS, every day as I grow ever closer to HIM this next year. I want to take all the fears and doubts away as I call on the Name -JESUS.

I want to close with a few quotes from "Our Daily Bread" over the past couple of weeks.

Though you cannot see the outcome,
Trust the Lord - He knows what's best;
Be assured He sees your trial,
And He's with you in your test. --Hess

Christ did not come to shield us from
The grief and pain of life;
But those who have His peace inside
Can thrive within the strife. --Sper

It matters not the path on earth
My feet are made to trod;
It only matters how I live:
Obedient to God. --Clark

Bye 2007, tomorrow a turn of the page, start of a new chapter.

Impossible?

We just got done as a class reading Luke. When I read Luke 1:37, "For with GOD nothing will be impossible", my heart ached. I know soooo many who are in a place right now where they are doubting those words. They want to believe them, but they can't through all the pain, disappointment, questions, hurts.

Today I just learned of another marriage that may be ending. My heart is breaking. And yet personally, I ask why is there so much pain in so many people's lives at this present moment. Sure I know the answer, there is an enemy out there who wants to steal, kill, and destroy.

Yet, isn't CHRISTMAS about the world receiving the BEST GIFT ever. That GIFT was GOD's LOVE in the form of a Baby who came to be our SAVIOR. My prayer this CHRISTMAS is that we can GIVE that LOVE to each other.

GOD speaks so often to us, yet we don't listen. Whether it is being afraid or whatever it may be......... that whatever is usually something that has to do with US, not the other person. Let's stop looking at ourselves this CHRISTMAS and start looking at each other. May we start listening to the voice of GOD that we hear so often, in so many ways, yet usually find some way to ignore.

There are things in my own life at the moment that seem impossible to me. However, I know that once I get in the mountains alone with GOD.........well, I know HE will speak. I just HOPE and PRAY that I can listen through the disappointment, hurt, questions, and pain that I feel right now. And not just for myself, but for soooo many others.

CHRISTMAS is already a time of stress for many. We have so often forgotten the REAL meaning of CHRISTMAS. So many...... well, the Holidays can just be a hard time as it. And this year, I am mad because the enemy is truly trying to steal, kill, and destroy the JOY that so many long to feel this CHRISTMAS.

I just know that nothing is impossible for GOD, HE can some how change EVERYTHING in just one moment. Like making a phone call and having all your plans change. I was looking at attending another school and GOD directed me to something amazing. EVERYTHING can truly change in a moment, in one instance.

I pray that the PEACE of CHRIST may fill your heart with JOY as you meet the RISEN CHRIST in the form of a BABY this CHRISTMAS. May HE be a part of every moment and memory. "For with GOD nothing will be impossible."

Amazing KIDS!!

I am so blessed with the kids that GOD has put into my life and allows to cross my path.

I presently live with four of the BESTEST ones ever. Every day no matter what I smile, laugh, or am touch deep within my heart with something at least one of them does. Truly the best example of the GIFT of LOVE this Season is about.

This week it has been the little moments with many of them that stand out in my heart.

Tuesday night, I was blessed by finally meeting Emily Graves, but truly blessed when she handed me a picture she had just drew for me. It is up in my room right now. She is a true blessing and gift from GOD.

Wednesday night, I had to drive home another car while my is getting fixed. It is a pick up truck. When I walked outside to leave all the kids in the neighborhood were in the back end singing songs. Boy did that make me smile and warm my heart. I also met a very cute and awesome girl at dinner and enjoyed my time with her and her dad.

Then today, my class is very much going to be missed. They write on everything we do how much they love me and will miss me, but that isn't what makes me smile. They have memorized 2 Timothy 1:1-2:13............today they didn't recite it as a class but each one did it individually. Wow, these little guys know it. I know GOD was smiling brightly above. Can any of you recite that much? It is gonna be hard and sad to say good bye tomorrow, but GOD is in it.

Also, one of the girls in my class is growing her hair to donate to Locks of Love. We were talking about it and I got a chance to share with her about others who would be donating their hair on January 12, and she wants to donate it in Noah's name.

Just some moments this week when I met the RISEN CHRIST face to face in the flesh and my heart was warmed with the MIRACLE and GIFT of CHRISTMAS!

Candy Cane

Today in class we read the story, "The Legend of the Candy Cane" by Lori Walburg.

The very last page said:

While we may never know the full history of the candy cane, we can share in the Truth behind its symbols, the Truth of CHRIST's Birth and Redemption, and the GIFT OF HIS LOVE.

In case you don't know what those symbols are here is a quick run down, but I suggest you read the book.

1. Hold it upside down and it is a J for JESUS!, who was born on Christmas Day.
2. Turn it around and it looks like a Shepherds Staff, who were the first to learn of JESUS' Birth while watching over their flock by night.
3. The stripes are a reminder for what Isaiah said 'by His stripes we are healed'
4. The red reminds us of the suffering HE endured and the blood HE shed for us on the Cross.

Just something to think about when we see a Candy Cane this Christmas.

Why?

Yes, why is the question. There is soooo much that is happening in so many peoples lives who mean alot to mean. So much hurt and so many questions of why.

I have a ton of them myself. And would love to understand. Why some things have happened the way the have and what the meaning to it all is. But then there is a part of me that just doesn't care, just wants to close my heart from pain and hurt. Not really harden it, just close it off from feeling so much and so deeply for people and things. Yet, isn't that what GOD calls us to do? GIVE to and LOVE others. After all this is the Season in which GOD send the world the BESTEST GIFT of all. HE gave us HIS SON in the form of Love to become our SAVIOR.

So why so much hurt and pain when we have this gift as an example of what we should give? Why do some choose to walk away from their spouse for no reason? Why would I be called to a job and lead to leave it? Why are we not honest with each other? Why? Why? Why?...

Last night I finally did get an answer to one of my whys. I also finally got to finish my list of things I was looking forward to when returning from Korea. That last top five thing I have been waiting six months for finally happened, though it was nothing like I thought it would be. I also know that I was totally led by GOD to make it happen. It was and is weird. Doesn't seem real in a way. And at the same time I was blessed in a way I wouldn't have guessed.

I still have a ton of questions and things I would love to understand right now during this very dark season in soooo many peoples lives. So many whys that are unanswered in their hearts. I pray during this Season that is suppose to be about family, friends, and the Gift of Love that GOD does wrap HIS arms around those who are hurting. May those of us who aren't in that place, though Christmas is always a time of stress for many, remember the GIFT of LOVE that GOD gave us in the form of a baby whom was born in a manger and came to be our SAVIOR. May we put that LOVE into actions this Season to the people around us. We may never get the answers to our Why questions, or any understanding, but may the RISEN CHRIST be met in all that we say and do this Season and ALWAYS. May HIS Gift continue to a part of everything and in every moment.

Class Poems

My class has had to write two poems that they like to recite from Penmanship. Something led me to share them here with you. There is such truth to the words in them and so simply put.

IMPORTANT RULES
Whatever you are, be honest;
Whatever you do, do well.
Whatever you speak, speak kindly;
Give joy wherever you dwell.

DO THE BEST
Love the beautiful, seek out the true,
Wish for the good, and the best do!

I know that I do want to be honest all the time. I want to speak kindly and wish for good to those whom I have allowed to hurt me. To do my best no matter what. To always see the beauty in everything GOD has created. And most importantly to be TRUE!!

Plus, I remember always telling my students in Korea to spread JOY wherever they were. Wow, that whole idea of putting JESUS and Others before Yourself.

They are important rules that we must do our best to do.

GIVIN' UP...

...at least on this idea of love. I have been hoping, believing, trusting, and waiting for SOMETHING for the past 16 months. What that SOMETHING is I don't know for sure.

But what I do know is the man that I thought was the most amazing man I had met seems to have become the biggest idiot and the littlest boy I have ever met.

I don't know what hurts my heart more; feeling rejected, deceived, and cheated or believing in him and HIM for that matter in this area of my journey. I guess I believed him to be something he is not and that hurts. But actions do speak louder than the words I have heard. I also believed that GOD had my heart in HIS Hand this time. I trusted that and that disappointment hurts, too.

Because actions speak louder than words I have given up on this one wish, want, desire, and dream. It is the same old thing over and over and my heart can't take it any more. I had thought that the last time before this was it. I had stopped wishing, wanting, desiring, and dreaming; and then he walked in my life and..... Well, it just doesn't matter any more. (I wrote about this in more detail to a handful of friends whom I have been keeping updated on this whole area of life, some comments are from that email).

I have given up on the idea of being that little girl standing in front of a boy and asking him to love me. I think I am just gonna stick with GOD and GOD alone.  Everything else hurts too much.

How can I...

I am sure you all have Christmas miracles or wishes that you would like to experience. I know I have one, but after the past two years of my life...well, I don't believe it will come true. But I still trust that GOD has a plan and it is way better than my one little want or wish. I realize that December is already here and I have not asked others how I could pray for them during this Christmas Holiday Season.

I have been so consumed with myself, with ending one chapter and beginning a new one in the midst of the chaos of life. I have been occupied with getting an application completed and embarking on getting my Masters, as well as a license in the State of Colorado to teach Special Ed. I am excited about all that the future has in store. GOD has been guiding and directing and blessing me with so many little miracles already. It has made me finally see HIM clearly again. I felt like Peter walking on the water, however, I wasn’t taking my eyes off JESUS to focus on the waves and wind. I was looking straight ahead, but could not see HIM through the fog, so to speak.

So forgive me for being focused on myself. Last night during my quiet time, of course I was reading “Our Daily Bread” here is some of what it said:

In 1 John 3:18, John talked about what we are to do when we see others in need. He told us to have active compassion: “Let us not love in word or in tongue, but in deed.” When we see a need, it’s good to talk about it, but we must also do something about it. We are instructed: “Be doers of the Word, and not hearers only” (James 1:22).

Ask the Holy Spirit to place someone on your heart to help in Jesus’ name. Then take action. Make a difference today. Send a card. Give a gift. Offer a ride. Make a call. Love in deed is love indeed. -Dave Branon

Lord, when I learn that someone is hurting. Help me know what to do and to say; Speak to my heart and give me compassion, Let Your great love flow through me today.
—K. De Haan

Also, in “GOD CALLING” there was a great answer for when we as humans fail in putting love into action. 'In your dark hours, when human help fails, keep very close to the Man of Sorrows, JESUS. Feel HIS Hand of Love press yours in silent but complete understanding. HE, too, was acquainted with grief. No heart can ache without HIS heart aching too.'

I want my love to be action, because I want my actions to speak louder than my words. I wrote an entry on this back in June.

I try to call or write when GOD puts someone on my heart, though at times I fail in doing so because I do get too absorbed in myself or I don't want to bother them.

GOD is love (I John 4:16), so may we all put Love in Action this Christmas Season. After all it is the gift HE gave us, the least we can do is give that gift in return.

So, HOW CAN I PRAY FOR YOU THIS CHRISTMAS? What miracle or gift from GOD are you hoping to experience?

"every woman, every day"

The entry for today in the above titled devotional encouraged and uplifted me, just as the cover says. I thought I would share it here.

Remember, you are a child of God, the bride of Christ, and a precious daughter of the King of the universe. Even if someone treats you less than royally or uses you for a purpose other than what God intended, never forget who you really are.

You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. Period.

Draw a line in the sand and refuse to allow your future to be hindered by your past. God has great things in store for you as you seek to discover the true purpose for which you were created- a divine purpose, indeed!

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

In a Mess

GOD does have a sense of humor. No, I am not truly in a mess, but I found the title "In a Mess" from yesterdays "Living the Message" funny.

Eugene Peterson was writing about the first verses in Genesis with the wonderful phrase 'formless and void'. He said that that was a mess, the chaos and how GOD creates out of that chaos. He said he told a group that he liked the mess. Here is some of that devotion:

...I do not mean I like messes as such, but I like that sense of being in a mess, held there by hope, knowing how God's creativity works, slowly, slowly, slowly, but always with surprises....

I found it funny because I always seem to find myself in some kind of mess, chaos so to speak.

Last night as I was driving home, I heard Delilah on the radio. She could have been speaking about me and my life. I didn't know whether I should laugh or cry.

Then this morning as I am trying to get my essay uploaded to my application for Regis, well everything you could think of could go wrong and has pretty much continued that same way all morning. However, what a change I feel in my spirit as these 'things' have been happening. All I could do was PRAISE JESUS and say 'bring it on'. I am ready for the fight today and I KNOW that I will win.

And GOD continues with that sense of humor. My devotional this morning in "every woman, every day", well you see GOD's humor, at least for me, in it. Here is what it said:

You now have a choice. So what will you focus on- the pain or the hope? Probably both at first. There will be days when the pain will overwhelm you, and your anger will drive hope far away. That's okay. God understands, and He won't bop you over the head for your lack of faith. He'd rather hug you and draw you near, if you'll let him. You're His child, remember?

Still, thanking God for the revelation and choosing hope for the future is the first step to your freedom. Sure, your first faltering steps in the direction will be like crossing a stream by jumping from rock to slippery rock, which means it won't be easy. Being thankful in the midst of chaos is always a challenge. Sometimes it'll feel as if you're thanking Him for your pain, which may seem comical and even hypocritical in your eyes. And it may take daily discipline, even moment-by-moment discipline, to maintain a grateful outlook.

But as you discipline your heart to the truth and choose to be thankful for what He has done in opening your eyes, your obedience will kick up a breeze of the Spirit's breath in your life that'll begin to dissipate your pain.

Wow, this just hit home with all that has been going on. The humor in both is that I heard a message about having chaos in your life, to then reading the word chaos last night, and to top it off this morning I read about chaos for the third time. Not to mention my life on Friday, and this morning feels like a mess, chaos.

All I know is I am looking forward as my most recent pain turns the clock forward to a new hope of the future. GOD is sooo good even in the chaos of life.

Not BORING...

Oh yes, I wrote that the next chapter of my life would not be boring or without pain and disappointments. I just didn't think it would start with so much excitement. I thought it may be quiet for bit. Was I ever wrong.

I was suppose to be registering for classes at CCU on Friday, however, I made one call about a para position in Cherry Creek School District and I am now filling out an application to Regis University.

Regis has a Master's program that would enable me to get my Special Education (K-12) License at the same time. Oh, and did I mention this may enable me to get a job teaching Special Education at the same time I am going to school.

Just a lot more to pray about. I need to wait for GOD's guidance.

The hard part is that I need to get my application completed by tomorrow, December 3, 2007, in order to start classes on January 7, 2008 (as I was already planning on doing at CCU). Worse cases scenario is that I have to wait. I'd have to wait and start on March 3, 2008, instead.

Basically, I need a miracle or favor from GOD again by tomorrow. I am praying for this and excepting it all to work out according to HIS Plans and Purposes for my life. I am also gonna need some kind of job if not teaching or para in special ed. very soon in order to have some income while involved in this next chapter of my oh so adventuresome life.

Yes, my life is NEVER boring. I thought it would be quiet for a short time before the excitement began. Again, boy was I wrong.

Glad I have the opportunity this month to take sometime to be alone up in the mountains with GOD. My soul, heart, and especially my mind will need the break, rest, and being still with HIM.

Music

I just love the power in music. The words to soooo many songs just speak so directly to your heart, well at least to mine. I think every song I heard this morning on my way to school had a message that helped encourage or lift me up with the hard task that is at hand for me today. I mostly listened to KLOVE, but also switched to the country station a couple of times, as well as the local station that is only playing Christmas music.

So this morning, the power of music and the power of GOD seen in HIS creation all around me made me feel and see HIM in a very powerful way. PRAISE JESUS!!

A Story...

In "Living the Message" on November 28, Eugene Peterson writes:

...we're in a story, in which everything eventually comes together, a narrative in which all the puzzling parts finally fit and years later we exclaim, "Oh, so that's what that meant!" But being in a story means that we must not attempt to get ahead of the story- skip the hard parts, erase the painful parts, detour the disappointments. Lament, making the most of our loss without getting bogged down in it, is a primary way of staying in the story. God is telling the story, remember. It is a large, capacious story. He does not look kindly on our editoral deletions. But he delights in our poetry.

This was just refreshing and encouraging to me. I know that we are all a part of a bigger story and I don't want to skip ahead. I just don't want to experience all the disappointments and hurts so frequently. It seems like I just keep facing one disappoint after another. At times I feel as though I am drawing back and away from people. I can't take the disappointment, hurt, or rejection that comes from believing in a person, hoping for something, or just basically caring. Yet, not having the same in return from them.

So with that said, it is still amazing and hopeful to know that 'someday' it will all makes sense. To be reminded that it is ALL a part of the story. I also know that I can rest assure because GOD has a plan and purpose in all of it. After all, HE is the one who holds the pen in writing our stories.

In light of all that has taken place in the past couple of years, how could I ever doubt that HE is the author. So welcome to the next chapter of the adventuresome life of Kimie!! I am sure it won't be boring or without pain and disappointments. But just maybe it may be time for some Dreams to come true. At least I can still Hope for that.

Chains fall...

I can't believe how it felt after giving my resignation. It was as if chains fell off. I felt a weight be lifted off my shoulders. So though it was a hard decision to make it felt like a confirmation from GOD that I was doing the right thing. My heart, my soul, my spirit feels so different already.

I have also had a number of little blessings come my way since Sunday, when I decided to make this move. There is this peace that I haven't felt in a long time and this sense of freedom.

The hardest part by far will be saying good bye to my six students. My prayers and thoughts are for their precious hearts right now. I know GOD has them in the palm of HIS Hand and that HE is in control. HE will take care of them and use this situation for HIS good in their lives as well.

Resignation

After prayerful consideration (1 Thessalonians 5:17) and advice from many counsel (Proverbs 15:22) I have given my resignation at work this morning.

I have a peace within about this but have a fear about tomorrow. I do know without a doubt that GOD has always provided and HE will right now, so I really don't have anything to fear. I know this deep within, but my human flesh side is having a harder time. But again, I know GOD is in control.

I don't know what I will do for income at the moment, but I have options.

I do know that I will be starting the Licensure Program for Education at CCU in January. At the end of the next two years I will be licensed to teach and have my Masters.

Thankful Thanksgiving

My class did an activity where they came up with something they were thankful for that started with each letter of thanks. I encourage you to try it too. Here is what I would put for me.

THANKS JESUS for

Touching my life,
Hope,
Acceptance, supplying all my
Needs,
Kids in my life, and being my
Savior, God's Son who brought Salvation

I am also THANKFUL for

Teachings and Testings
Hiking and Health
Abundant Blessings
Naps
Kisses (been a long time, but last one was memorable)
Faith, Family, Friends, Football, Fall, and one I can't write.
Unforgettable Moments
Love and Life

Encouragement

I received this in an email this morning and it was encouraging to me. The song does remind me of me, too.

Kimie,
I just wanted to let you know that I really am praying for you. I have been awake for about an hour now (even though the house and the baby are quiet, God woke me up and put you on my heart) and I have spent that time before the throne of God praying for you. I don't know what else to do, but I also know there is nothing more powerful that I could do.

While I have been praying God brought to mind a song that makes me think of you and I thought I would share it in case it could be of some encouragement. I don't know if you ever listened to Twila Paris back in the day (a long, long time ago!!!) but I have always loved her song The Warrior Is A Child.

Lately I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing
Strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all the tears

(Chorus)

They don't know that I go running Home when I fall down
They don't know Who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child

Unafraid because his armor is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that I'm amazing
Never face retreat
But they don't see the enemies
That lay me at His feet

They don't know that I go running Home when I fall down
They don't know Who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child

I drop my sword and look up for His smile
Because deep inside this armor
Deep inside this armor
Deep inside this armor
The Warrior is a Child

I also received a few emails of encouragement after I sent my email regarding John 10:10 that I shared on October 18, 2007. I have wanted to record them but haven't found time. Now seems like the right time to include them. Maybe they can encourage someone else.

2 Corinthians 4:8-10
We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair;persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.

Hello Ms. Kimie!
Tonight, as I was having my devotional I felt impressed to send these verses to you. I am not going to do a lot of "chit chat" because I think these words will say it all. These verses are taken from a Kids Life Application Bible. I love it because it's "plain and simple." Enjoy them, meditate upon them, and allow these verses to bring the answers you long to hear. If you are able to read the entire chapter do so, it's great!

Lamentations 3:17-19
Peace has been stripped away, and I have forgotten what prosperity is. I cry out, "My splendor is gone! Everything I had hoped for from the Lord is lost!" The thought of my suffering and homelessness is bitter and beyond words."

Lamentations 3:21-26
Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The unfailing love of the Lord never ends! By his mercies we have been kept from complete destruction. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each day. I say to myself, "The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!" The Lord is wonderfully good to those who wait for him and seek him. So it is good to wait quietly for salvation from the Lord.

Lamentations 3:31-33
For the Lord does not abandon anyone forever. Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion according to the greatness of his unfailing love. For he does not enjoy hurting people or causing them sorrow.

Lamentations 3:55
But I called on your name, Lord, from deep with the well (pit), and you heard me! You listened to my pleading; you heard my weeping! Yes, you came at my despairing cry and told me, "Do not fear."

Dear Miss Morton,
First off Desiree and I would like to start off by saying that every day you are in our prayers. Every morning when we drive to school we say a small prayer and thank him for what he gives us and has given us and for the wonderful people that are in our lives and have somehow touched our lives. There isn't a day that goes by that we don't thank God for the good things and bad things that happen in our everyday lives. At times I feel as though things get way too difficult for us to make things better, but somehow God always shows us that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. We look forward to every coming day because we think of it as a gift, whether it's good or bad it's still a surprise that he let's us experience. I know how thankful Desiree was when you were her teacher. To this day you have been one of the teachers that has been her biggest inspiration because she sees how strong and willing you are to better yourself, to better your life. And that you continue to have that strong faith in God.

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never
come to an end; they are new every morning. . .
- Lamentations 3:22-23

Come unto me, ye who are weary and overburdened, and I
will give you rest.
- Matthew 11:28

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own
understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He
shall direct your paths.
- Proverbs 3:5,6

Desiree and I hope that you find comfort with the verses we are sending along with our e-mail. God is so powerful and I know that he will give you the strength to go on and do what he is allowing you to do, to make the right decisions, and to continue loving him with all your heart. Here is one of our favorites songs hope you are familiar with it if not, It's by Third Day and its a beautiful song. Take care and may you continue to find the risen Christ in everything you do.

Well I won't pretend to know what you're thinking
And I can't begin to know what you're going through
And I won't deny the pain that you're feeling
But I'm gonna try and give a little hope to you
Just remember what I told you
There's so much your living for

There's a light at the end of this tunnel
There's a light at the end of this tunnel for you
For you
There's a light at the end of this tunnel
Shining bright at the end of this tunnel for you
For you

So keep holding on

You got your disappointments and sorrows
You ought to share the weight of that load with me
Then you will find that the light of tomorrow
Well it brings new life for your eyes to see
So remember what i told you
There's so much your living for

There's a light at the end of this tunnel
There's a light at the end of this tunnel for you
For you
There's a light at the end of this tunnel
Shining bright at the end of this tunnel for you
For you
So keep holding on
Keep holding on

So remember what i told you
There's so much your living for

There's a light at the end of this tunnel
There's a light at the end of this tunnel for you
For you yeah
There's a light at the end of this tunnel
Shining bright at the end of this tunnel for you
For you yeah
There's a light at the end of this tunnel ooh
For you, for you yeah
Shining bright at the end of this tunnel
For you, for you
So keep holding on
Keep holding on
Keep holding on now

You got your disappointments and sorrows
I'm gonna try and give a little hope to you

Quote

“Many people search blindly for the ‘meaning of life.’ What they don’t seem to understand is that life does not have meaning through mere existence or acquisition or fun. The meaning of life is inherent in the connections we make to others through honor and obligation.”
~ Dr. Laura Schlessinger (Internat’l radio host and author)

A friend shared this quote with me today and I felt led to share it here. Life is all about CONNECTIONS!

I also will add that GOD continues to speak through everything. HE continues to throw each scripture reference I read at me at least three times. I don't feel HE is speaking anything in particular other than reminding me HE is STILL THERE. Praise JESUS!

The BUT

"your a princess", "HIS daughter", "a warrior", "a beautiful child"...but, but, but, but, but...

So ask me what I remember? All the buts. I requested a meeting Monday with my headmaster and well, he had a whole list of things to go over with me as if he had asked for the meeting. The best way to sum it up was I left feeling more crushed than I already had, not uplifted. I felt attacked in my spirit and my heart. NOTHING to do with me professionally, it seems all the complaints, etc.... are to my character, my passion, my gift, and in who I am. Again, it goes back to what I wrote about John 10:10, It feels like the enemy is stealing my joy, killing my spirit, and destroying my heart at the moment. But, I DO KNOW that it is CHRIST who gives me the strength right now to carry on. I am praising HIM and thanking HIM and hoping in HIM and trusting in HIM and waiting on HIM and loving through, in, and with HIM.

As I was leaving and thinking things over in my head I remembered hearing something one time about "the but". Where we live is in the but. So all the things that were said were only said to candy coat what really was the message, the message really on their hearts.

Later, I was sharing this thought with a friend and we both remembered where we had heard "the but" before. He thought it was only a part of the book, "The Rest of The Gospel" by Dan Stone and Greg Smith. This topic is actually a WHOLE chapter. Chapter 17 Titled, 'The Holy but':

People always live after the but. The word, I mean: but. Go out and listen to people talk. Everyone lives after the but, whether they are Christians or not. I don't care what they say first, before the but. It's after the but that you hear what they really believe....

...You're always living after the but. Unfortunately, Christians typically put the wrong things before and after the but. We put the God stuff before the but and our situation or feelings after the but....

...You do that, and where are you living? You're living in the junk. You're living in the circumstance. It's got you. The only thing you can hope for is a change in the circumstance. And if that doesn't come, you're up a creek. But even if it does, you still haven't learned to live out of the life of God within you. Satan doesn't care how much God-talk we use, as long as we put it before the but.

I have a name for putting God after the but, where He belongs. I call it the Holy But. Jesus used the Holy But in the Garden of Gethsemane. My paraphrase of His famous prayer is: "Father, I don't want to be separated from You. If it's possible, let Me out of it. In fact, this is so heavy on Me right now that my soul feels very depressed...
...yet...
...nevertheless...
...BUT...
...not as I will, but as You will."

That's the Holy But. the Holy But is a bridge. It moves you from the stuff you're in to faith. IF we didn't have the negative in life, we'd never exercise faith. You don't deny the negative, because it's real and it's what prompts your move into faith.

"I feel awfully weak, but God is my strength."
"I'm sorrowful, but God is my peace."
"I'm in pain, but Christ is my sufficiency."

That is some of it and the just of it. So the message I did receive was in the but. I recall when I heard this the first time how refreshing and encouraging it was. It was again this time as well. Today I even read a verse in the Bible that I felt was a good example of it.

"Though the fig tree may not blossom, Nor fruit be on the vines; Though the labor of the olive may fail, And the fields yield no food; Though the flock may be cut off from the fold, And there be no herd in the stalls- Yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will joy in the God of my salvation." Habakkuk 3:17-18 (NKJ)

Oh, I need to add that my class is studying invertebrates in science class right now. And yes, you guessed it yesterday when we were talking about the four stages of growth (metamorphosis) our book had to use the 'butterfly'.

Yes, again and more.

So this morning I am watching 'Curious George' with some REALLY special kids I know and the part that I really focus on used the caterpillar to the butterfly. And since I just edited a whole bunch of entries and finally posted them, I thought I would share it as well.

"God Calling" for today is titled, HEAVEN'S COLORS:

Looking back you will see that every step was planned. Leave it all to Me. Each stone in the mosaic fits into the perfect pattern, designed by the Master Artist. It is all so wonderful! But the colors are of Heaven's hues, so that your eyes could not bear to gaze on the whole, until you are beyond the veil. So, stone by stone, you see, and trust the pattern to the Designer.

I just thought the words were beautiful and I feel I could use some beauty in my life. I really don't know what has been going on lately, or really for that matter what it is GOD has been trying to speak to me. I don't feel like me. I feel as though I am grieving, like I have lost something or am saying good bye to something. Yet, I have no idea what that is. On the outside I look like me, heck with working out I am sure it is even a better me. However, the inside is a different story.

On top of that when I get down, being alone and longing for more of GOD also takes ahold of my heart. I have another book of daily readings that I began reading called, "every woman, every day".

As I was reading last Saturday's hit my heart with longing for more of JESUS. Let me share what it says:

Don't forget there's a Mr. Right who longs for your attention and affection, who stands ready to engage in a more passionate love relationship than you could ever imagine. He's already made enormous sacrifices to demonstrate His unconditional love for you. He comes from the strongest family you could imagine, and His Father set an example of perfect love for Him to follow. He owns everything in both heaven and earth and can provide for you beyond your wildest dreams. He has a great vision for your future together, which includes a never-ending honeymoon together in paradise. While you are single, won't you take advantage of every possible opportunity to bask in the incomparable love of Jesus Christ? (Every Young Woman's Battle, page 201)

And for fun I went to read the daily reading for May 31. It was a prayer that says:

As much as I'm able to love someone I can't see or touch, Jesus, I love You. I know You are real. I know You are here with me and even within me, but I have to admit that sometimes I just want someone with skin on to love and love me back. Forgive me for feeling that You aren't enough, Jesus. Would You let me feel Your touch? Would You let me know Your heart intimately? Would You help me hear Your voice? Be enough for me, Lord. Help me be satisfied in You.

This has been my prayer often to HIM, how awesome that it is the daily reading on my Birthday.

Oh, LORD I do love You and need You so desperately in my life right now at this moment. I feel like I am going crazy. What is wrong with me?

*I also read this devotion by Carrie Hudson in an email that I felt I needed to add to this entry. It is where my heart and prayer is also and what a wonderful way to think of this scripture.:

God Changed My Heart
"Now, one of the Pharisees was requesting Him (Jesus) to dine with him. And He entered the Pharisee's house, and reclined at the table. And behold there was a woman in the city who was a sinner; and when she learned that He was reclining at the table in the Pharisee's house, she brought an alabaster of perfume. And standing behind Him at His feet, weeping, she began to wet His feet with her tears, and kept wiping them with the hair of her head, and kissing His feet, and anointing them with the perfume." (Luke 7:36-38)

I think I have read over this passage of scripture many times in my life without giving it much thought. However, this past summer I read it again and the Lord touched my heart in such a way I cried from the first word to the last. I realized there was nothing I wanted more in my life than to be like this woman. The woman, who after hearing that Jesus was within her grasp, ran and got her best perfume to give to Him! To come without a gift…unthinkable! The woman, the sinner, who did not approach Him from the front, but stood behind Him, ever so humbly. The woman, who could not contain her emotion and overwhelming love, wet the Almighty's feet with her tears. The woman who used her hair as a towel to wipe away her tears from the King of King's feet. The woman who kissed the Lamb of Lamb's feet with her lips and anointed them with her finest perfume. This is the woman I want to be most like.

To give myself completely to the Lord. To serve Him and love Him with my very best. To know who He truly is and weep for my destitution and sinful ways. To love the Lord with all abandon and care not what the world around me thinks as I throw myself upon His feet. To serve Him daily and keep my focus upon Him and Him alone. This became my prayer, to be like her to love like this.

And more...

"Our Daily Bread" for November 6, Someone has said, "What the caterpillar thinks is the end of life, the butterfly thinks is just the beginning." -Cindy Hess Kasper.

She was referring to Philippians 1:21, For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain.

I also had an opportunity to do some reading in "My Utmost for His Highest" today. I read November 5-7, and they spoke to me. I want to remember, so here are parts of them:

If you are going to be used by God, He will take you through a number of experiences that are not meant for you personally at all. They are designed to make you useful in His hands, and to enable you to understand what takes place in the lives of others....God’s way is always the way of suffering— the way of the "long road home."...We never realize at the time what God is putting us through— we go through it more or less without understanding. Then suddenly we come to a place of enlightenment, and realize— "God has strengthened me and I didn’t even know it!"

Is Jesus teaching you to have a personal intimacy with Himself? Allow Him to drive His question home to you— "Do you believe this?" Are you facing an area of doubt in your life? Have you come, like Martha, to a crossroads of overwhelming circumstances where your theology is about to become a very personal belief? This happens only when a personal problem brings the awareness of our personal need. To believe is to commit.

God by His providence brings you into circumstances that you can’t understand at all, but the Spirit of God understands. God brings you to places, among people, and into certain conditions to accomplish a definite purpose through the intercession of the Spirit in you. Never put yourself in front of your circumstances and say, "I’m going to be my own providence here; I will watch this closely, or protect myself from that." All your circumstances are in the hand of God, and therefore you don’t ever have to think they are unnatural or unique. Your part in intercessory prayer is not to agonize over how to intercede, but to use the everyday circumstances and people God puts around you by His providence to bring them before His throne, and to allow the Spirit in you the opportunity to intercede for them. In this way God is going to touch the whole world with His saints....Your intercessions can never be mine, and my intercessions can never be yours, ". . . but the Spirit Himself makes intercession" in each of our lives ( Romans 8:26 ). And without that intercession, the lives of others would be left in poverty and in ruin.

Call it Four Fold

Ok, so I sit in the general session this morning and the speaker uses Matthew 5 as his scripture reference for his talk. I just couldn't believe it.

His point was that we live in a Radically Changing World and we need to focus on four things.

1. Understand that we need GOD and instill that understanding.
2. God called us to be Salt and Light in this place.
3. We need to be disciples and make disciples.
4. We WILL face a Spiritual battle/war.

My Philosophy class was great, now I have to read 5 books and write a 6 page paper in order to get it as a credit for my ACSI certification.

What I will share from that is that we need to BE REAL in LIVING LIFE. We need to have a Passion FOR TRUTH and a Passion to DO the TRUTH.

And HE does it again....

...as I sat in my Bible course that I am taking at the ACSI Teacher's Conference, GOD once again used the caterpillar and the butterfly.

I open my book,"The Miracle of Life Change" by Chip Ingram, the first session began with:

Butterflies don't look like caterpillars. Unless we've watched the time-consuming and agonizing process that the worm undergoes to become lighter than air, we would probably doubt anyone who told us that caterpillars become butterflies...unless we trusted that person. A crawler becomes a flyer? That much change sounds incredible. Almost as incredible as people changing.

Ask most people and they'll probably agree it's easier to identify with the caterpillar than the butterfly. We dream about butterfly freedom but wake up in wormy captivity. And yet the dreams may be a hint of what we're designed to experience. What if the One who put that dream of change in you had already made it possible for your dream to become a reality.

I knew without a doubt that I was suppose to be sitting all day in that room taking that class and then return for an extra two hour session tonight (which only those of us in this class have to do extra).

I am not understanding why this idea of the caterpillar and the butterfly keep coming up? But I got to add that I got alot out of this class. It was truly refreshing and filled me up. I am looking forward to what tomorrow will hold. I have to take a philosophy class.

Three Fold

GOD continues to speak and as He always does with something at least 3 times. He has been using the idea of Hoping and Waiting (Growth) alot over the past few days, and one used a tree example.

Of course, HIS source of speaking to me has been through "Our Daily Bread", "God Calling", and "Living the Message"

Here are some parts of ODB, October 25-26; LTM, October 24-26; and GC October 25:

When trouble comes into our lives, we sometimes feel as if we've been hit broadside. We feel desperation and then we wonder, WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?...The season of trouble may not be easy, but if we let ourselves be trained by it, new growth will result as we become more like His Son. - Cindy Hess Kasper

We shrink from the purging and pruning,
Forgetting the Gardener knows
The deeper the cutting and paring
The richer the cluster that grows. -Anon.

Only as we submit our brokenness to the good and great Shepherd of our hearts can we find the peace that allows us to respond to life: "Why are you cast down, O my soul? And why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him for the help of His countenance" (Psalm 42:5). Hope in God- it's the only solution for the deep traumas of the heart. -Bill Crowder

The Christian's hope is in the Lord,
We rest secure in His sure Word;
And though we're tempted to despair,
We do not doubt that God is there. -D. DeHaan

No one is hopeless whose hope is in GOD.

...hope desires what God is going to do- and we don't yet know what that is.... Wishing has to do with what I want in things or people or God; hope has to do with what God wants in me and the world of things and people beyond me....Hope means being surprised, because we don't know what is best for us or how our lives are going to be completed. To cultivate hope is to suppress wishing- to refuse to fantasize about what we want, but to live in anticipation of what God is going to do next.

Hope affects the Christian life by making us expectant and alive....People who hope never know what's coming next. They expect it is going to be good, because God is good. Even when disasters occur, people of hope look for how God will use it for good. A person of hope is alive to God. Hope is powerful. It is stimulating. It keeps us on tiptoe, looking for the unexpected.

...waiting does not diminish us,any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy. Romans 8:24-25, The Message

Believers must be aware that most of the time discipline feels dull and dead. We're impatient if we have to wait a long time for something....Simple desire for more in our Christian lives is sufficient evidence that the life is there. Be patient and wait. It's the Spirit's work. We simply put ourselves in the way of the Spirit so he can work in us.

Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. Romans 8:26, The Message

Waiting may seem a time of inactivity, as far as the outer world is concerned, but it can, and should, be a time of great activity in the inner life, and the surrounding material plane.

And as of today, HE has used Matthew 5 for the third time. I first read Matthew 5:13-20, On Wednesday, October 24, in "Our Daily Bread." That same day "God Calling" used Matthew 5:13 and added: Power which maintains the salt at its freshest and best, and also preserves from corruption that portion of the world in which I place it. And, to top this three fold off, the lesson this week in Bible that my class will be learning is from Matthew 5:1-20, The Beatitudes, Salt of the earth, and Light of the world. I could not have planned this at all.

Oh, what is HE trying to tell me? What is going on in my life right now?

It continues...

Today as I was reading "Soul Cravings" by Ewrin McManus, entry 25 in the Destiny section, titled 'A Place of Hope' it spoke directly to my heart and seems to be one of the many themes (caterpillar to butterfly and trees/seasons) that GOD keeps using to speak to me.

So let me share some of what McManus wrote, it went something like this:

Probably the most famous metaphor to ever come from the early followers of Christ is the butterfly.... When you come to God and allow Him to re-create you, from that moment the old is past, and all things are made new. The word describing this is metamorphosis, the image of a caterpillar becoming a butterfly- same species, completely different. This describes a change that literally moves us from crawling to flying. It is a necessary change if we are going to journey to the future we were created to live, to experience, to enjoy.

Sometimes, we choose just to be a worm; at other times, our preference is to hide in the cocoon, but every now and again we choose to engage in the difficult struggle of breaking out. It's painful; it's frustrating; it's hard work. We might even wonder why God would make the cocoon so hard to escape from, never realizing it is the process itself that strengthens our wings and prepares us for flight....

All God wants to do is to take you where you cannot go alone and make you what you cannot be alone. You were not created to live your life absent of God. There is a dream for your life you can't even begin to imagine without God. Without Him you are settling for less.

If you were meant to fly, not even running really fast is that impressive.

You can spend your whole life trying to become what your soul longs for without God. You might resent Him that He's made it so hard for you to live out your dreams or fulfill your destiny. It's never quite hit you that it's in the struggle, in the process, even in the search for God, that He is making you strong enough to take flight. What in the world enters the mind of a cocooned caterpillar that would make it want to break out?

Maybe there's an instinct somewhere deep within it that lets it know something's happening, a change is taking place. It is no longer the same; it is somehow different....

Our ability to endure, to persevere, to overcome is fueled by this one seemingly innocuous ingredient called hope.

Everything that drives us,
every effort to succeed,
every attempt to be significant,
every moment we pursue a dream,
advance a cause,
or work to make the world better in any way
is an act of hope....

"Where There Is Hope, There Is Life." I agree.

I recently sent out and email that said I felt as though I had no hope left. I feel like I am the cocooned caterpillar, yet have a fear that I cannot break free. I have experienced being the butterfly and want to be there again. I feel trapped, sure I know that it is in the process of the struggle to break out where we get our strength, but I don't feel hope or as if I have the strength to make it out.

I feel like the ugly worm, trapped, scared,... not knowing or understanding what is going on right now. I don't like it and want to break free and fly. But...

Though I said I feel there is nothing to hope for, It is the one thing that I can not let go of. The hope that all the struggle was worth it, for there is, well has to be, something better to come.

What is happening?

I don't know what is happening, but it feels like the hardest thing I have ever had to face in my life. I feel I am losing who I am. I don't know how to get me back. I am discouraged, lost, and very broken.

Here is what I just shared in an email to most of you:

In John 10:10 it says, "The thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy." To be honest with you all........ he is winning right now with my heart. The enemy is stealing my joy, killing my spirit, and destroying my heart. I don't have the strength to go on some days, though I do know that it is the LORD that carries me through each day...I really can't. What hope is there to look toward at the moment, other than the Hope that comes from JESUS CHRIST. That Hope that someday I will get to sit at HIS feet, get to talk to HIM face to face. The enemy is winning today, because I feel I don't have hope or joy. If that makes any sense? But, don't get me wrong, I do know that we all go through different seasons in our life and this is just one of them. I will make it through, because I have Faith and Hope in the RISEN CHRIST. And I DO KNOW that it is HE who gives me the strength right now to carry on. And I do see HIM in so many different moments, like this morning in the sunrise. I am praising HIM and thanking HIM and hoping in HIM and trusting in HIM and waiting on HIM and loving through, in, and with HIM. I just feel crushed and destroyed at the same time. I pray this finds you meeting the RISEN CHRIST in moments like the sunrise as well.

To continue, I guess the best way for me to share what is going on is to give you a small piece of an email that my headmaster/principal wrote to me and then an email from a friend and fellow coworker. I think it sums up some of the things that have been going on, without going into long details. It looks like I am losing a student in my class as well.

Headmaster wrote:
For several weeks now I have received multiple complaints from almost all the parents of your students regarding anger and yelling at students. Some of the complaints I have received includes elements of students crying, both at school and later at home, and students (most of them) not wanting to go to school or making statements of being scared of their teacher.

I have noticed a change in you from the summer. You are normally a bubbly and joyful person and I feel you have been under spiritual attack. Know that you are in my prayers. I am confident that things will get better for you. I just need to know from the Lord how I can help guide you and support you in that path. After a year overseas, much is happened in your heart and mind that you might not even be aware of. I have seen it in many believers who went overseas.

You are an awesome woman and a beautiful daughter of God. I am thankful you are with us. You are a blessing and an asset to this school. We all love you as a cherished sister in Christ. Sometimes bumps along the road are used of God to help us be more like Christ. We should look at those unpleasant "bumps" with joy and thanksgiving, humbly allowing the Holy Spirit to change us and mold us to be more like the Son of God.

Friend/Coworker wrote:
At the moment I am just hurting for you and not even sure what to say. I want you to know that I hear him say (and I agree) that you are a beautiful daughter of God and that we believe you are a great woman of faith and strength. I know that this is going to be a hard thing, but my prayer is that God will teach you and grow you stronger in Him because of it.

Here is something that one of my professors in college and grad school taught us: There are two responses when criticism comes your way: --if it's true (and we all make mistakes), confess, repent, and walk in His forgiveness and grace; --if it's not true, give it to the Lord and trust Him to be your defense and know that you stand before Him in truth.

I think this is hard, because I grew up in a home where there always seemed to be anger. I learned to walk on eggshells at a very young age. I grew up in 4th Grade because Mom got mad enough and left for a while and someone had to take care of the three men at home. I knew back at that young age that I would rather die than every be like that. Don't get wrong, as I have gotten older I have learned to be soooo thankful for my childhood. Both the good and bad have shaped and formed who I am today. Well at least I had thought so.

I keep questioning who I am and who I am in Christ. Maybe you can never get over something like that. It is in my genes and maybe it is who I am. I know that if any of you know me, you would know that I would rather die than hurt anyone in this way. I would rather take all the pain myself. Like I said, I choose a long time ago not to walk down that same path. If I ever get married I would NEVER treat my husband that way, and when it comes to children....like I said I would rather die.

But, as I think about that, well maybe that is why I am not married and don't have children. GOD knows it would break my heart to ever hurt anyone like that. So maybe it is my true nature to be this way. I don't feel this is true about me, but maybe GOD knows that I really can't break these chains that bind and that is why HE has kept me single and someone from loving me.

I know this is not true of me and I have laid it at the foot of the cross and given it to the LORD. Yet, it still doesn't make it any easier. And I don't know what I am feeling, yet feel like it has something still to do about my time spent in Korea.

*note it has almost been a month since I began this and am just now editing and posting it to my blog. Things have gotten better in some ways and how the students were sharing things has come to light. However, I still have lost myself in the whole situation. Even this past week three people (1 someone every close, 2 an acquaintance, and 3 someone I haven't seen in two years) said that I wasn't me and haven't been in a very long time. HELP me LORD!

The Butterfly

This week during Bible, my class has been learning about how Jesus transformed the lives of the men He called to follow Him, and He promised He would make into fishers of men. Today we read this story about the transformation of the caterpillar to a butterfly.

STORY: I'm just an ugly old worm. No wants me, only the birds and lizards. I'm so fat. I'm so yucky brown. I'm so useless. I've spent my whole just eating. Every day, I eat more and more green leaves, sometimes leaving the whole branch of the tree completely bare. No wonder farmers hate me. I could just crawl under a rock and die, but right now I'm very sleepy. So sleepy...(yawn). I think I will just spin a nice, warm blanket cocoon around myself and get some z's.

What a sleep! Hey, this cocoon is mighty tight. What happened while I was asleep? I need to stretch and get out of here. My goodness, I'm not the same worm. Look! I have feet and legs. And, oh my goodness, can it be? I have wings. Not just any wings! But, big beautiful wings with the colors of the rainbow! And I can fly! I mean really fly, up and down, from flower to flower, darting quickly or fluttering lazily a summer breeze.

Is this unbelievable? I'm really part of God's plan. I'm a living object lesson on how something that seems so ugly and worthless can change from the inside out into a creature that is beautiful. Hey, boys and girls! Don't give up hope! God is not finished with you yet. He has a marvelous plan to change you to become more like Him. Now I need to run, or I should say fly. The farmer needs me to help his plants grow. Don't forget to wave the next time you see. (From the Third Grade Teacher Edition of ACSI's Bible curriculum)

GOD spoke even to me in this. Yes, something you know to be true and an object lesson you have heard, but to hear it when you feel like that ugly, worthless worm. To be reminded to not give up hope knowing that GOD is not done with us. I know that growth takes place inwardly and that it can often be slow and unnoticeable, but at other times be very painful. Growing is also a process that involves a life-long walk with the RISEN CHRIST.

"Living the Message" from yesterday and for today were titled 'Growth and Growing' and 'Growth is NOT Painless'

Yes, GOD keeps speaking and confirming the place HE has me, but at this moment if growing is going to be this painful then I don't want to grow any more. But only in this moment.........I know that only something beautiful can come from all of it. Well at least I use to Hope that it would. It doesn't feel like it right now. What if I actually don't make it out of this cocoon?

Discouragement

I feel so discouraged at the moment in so many things.....I am sure I will write more about it when I can actually sit down and give what is going on the proper time it needs and deserves. Thoughts I have constantly, I wish I could write when I am driving in the car.

But for the moment, I spent my class's break time just reading some online devotions. I really want to draw closer to GOD. I am feeling again like I would give anything to have HIS arms here in the flesh. To just sit on a couch, be held in some one's arms, and just cry......nothing else.

Anyways, I just read "My Utmost for His Highest" for October 13. It said:

We may have the vision of God and a very clear understanding of what God wants, and yet when we start to do it, there comes to us something equivalent to Moses’ forty years in the wilderness. It’s as if God had ignored the entire thing, and when we are thoroughly discouraged, God comes back and revives His call to us. And then we begin to tremble and say, "Who am I that I should go . . . ?"... We are focused on the right individual perspective of things; we have the vision and can say, "I know this is what God wants me to do." But we have not yet learned to get into God’s stride. If you are going through a time of discouragement, there is a time of great personal growth ahead.

That last sentence is actually something I read in something some time ago and I KNOW is written in my Bible.

After writing that, I read another blog. Adrienne so touched my heart with her reference to the trees. It is something I have been noticing and feeling as well lately. Not a day goes by that I don't have some kind of thought or conversation with GOD. I actually wish I could write all those moments here. What I write here is usually only a portion of what I have as thoughts and conversations with GOD. It is such a beautiful time spent with HIM. And so awesome to meet HIM in such an amazing way every day. Even if I do feel like I am in winter right now and not for sure if spring will come again.

Yet, I feel guilty for feeling the way I do. I can't even compare my winter to the winter Noah Steven's family must be in. I can't imagine the loss, grief, healing...they must be going through. If you haven't read that blog in a while, I'd suggest you click on the link in the top right side of my blog and have your heart moved and touched.

The Tale....

...of Mr. Morton is a clip from "School House Rock!". I don't know if anyone remembers it, but I do and use the grammar and multiplication ones in my class room, at least in the last three classes I have had.

'The Tale of Mr. Morton' has to do with the subject and predicates, but mostly the subject. See Mr. Morton is the subject of the sentence and what the predicate says he does. This is usually the first video clip I show and it has always been the favorite and the one most asked to see. This might have something to do with the name.

Why do I write about this you ask? Well, other than the obvious of this being my last name. Every single class I ever had makes a statement about this being my husband. And I always have to info them that if Miss Morton ever gets married, that her last name will change and no longer be Morton. They always listen, but I don't think they get it. I just wish you all could be in my classroom and experience this moment each time it has happened.

Just makes me smile and see and feel GOD. It just amazes me how it is the exact same thing each time I show it. Just funny and very interesting.

"Nature's first..."

Everyday on my drive South to work I get to see the most amazing sites. Today, however, seemed a little more special.

I recalled this morning how much the book, "The Outsiders" touched me when I read it in school. As well as, the movie when it came out. S.E. Hinton used Robert Frost's poem, "Nothing Gold Can Stay". That poem moved me enough that I memorized it (still know it today) and on the day of my cousins funeral, over 22 years ago, I went to be alone during a certain time of the day and prayed and recited the poem in their memory.

I was moved by today's sunrise which made the sky look 'gold' and for the first time EVER I noticed that the tops of the mountains appeared purple. As I looked to the West, I understood where "purple mountain majesties" came from in Katharine Lee Bates' song, "America the Beautiful."


"Nothing Gold Can Stay"
by Robert Frost

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

"America the Beautiful"
by Katharine Lee Bates

O beautiful for spacious skies,
For amber waves of grain,
For purple mountain majesties
Above the fruited plain!
America! America!
God shed his grace on thee
And crown thy good with brotherhood
From sea to shining sea!

I see GOD every day on my drive, but today........HE just really was there this morning in a very powerful way. HIS golden sky and purple mountains............just as amazing as HE is.

Wow!

I haven't been reading "My Utmost for His Highest" like I usually do everyday, but today I went back and read them for this week. Some of the words from the first four days of this week were exactly what I needed to read. They reassured me that I am right where GOD wants me to be at the moment. Each of the four days just touched me right in the center of my heart. It felt like the exact words I needed to hear as encouragement. So here they are:

October 1: We have all experienced times of exaltation on the mountain, when we have seen things from God’s perspective and have wanted to stay there.... We are not made for the mountains, for sunrises, or for the other beautiful attractions in life— those are simply intended to be moments of inspiration. We are made for the valley and the ordinary things of life, and that is where we have to prove our stamina and strength. Yet our spiritual selfishness always wants repeated moments on the mountain....We are inclined to think that everything that happens is to be turned into useful teaching. In actual fact, it is to be turned into something even better than teaching, namely, character. The mountaintop is not meant to teach us anything, it is meant to make us something.... The moments on the mountaintop are rare moments, and they are meant for something in God’s purpose.

October 2: After every time of exaltation, we are brought down with a sudden rush into things as they really are, where it is neither beautiful, poetic, nor thrilling. The height of the mountaintop is measured by the dismal drudgery of the valley, but it is in the valley that we have to live for the glory of God. We see His glory on the mountain, but we never live for His glory there. It is in the place of humiliation that we find our true worth to God— that is where our faithfulness is revealed. Most of us can do things if we are always at some heroic level of intensity, simply because of the natural selfishness of our own hearts. But God wants us to be at the drab everyday level, where we live in the valley according to our personal relationship with Him.

October 3: When you are brought face to face with a difficult situation and nothing happens externally, you can still know that freedom and release will be given because of your continued concentration on Jesus Christ. Your duty in service and ministry is to see that there is nothing between Jesus and yourself....Then that very problem itself, and all that you have been through in connection with it, will glorify Jesus Christ in a way that you will never know until you see Him face to face.

October 4: Thank God for being able to see all that you have not yet been. You have had the vision, but you are not yet to the reality of it by any means. It is when we are in the valley, where we prove whether we will be the choice ones, that most of us turn back. We are not quite prepared for the bumps and bruises that must come if we are going to be turned into the shape of the vision. We have seen what we are not, and what God wants us to be, but are we willing to be battered into the shape of the vision to be used by God? The beatings will always come in the most common, everyday ways and through common, everyday people.There are times when we do know what God’s purpose is; whether we will let the vision be turned into actual character depends on us, not on God. If we prefer to relax on the mountaintop and live in the memory of the vision, then we will be of no real use in the ordinary things of which human life is made. We have to learn to live in reliance upon what we saw in the vision, not simply live in ecstatic delight and conscious reflection upon God. This means living the realities of our lives in the light of the vision until the truth of the vision is actually realized in us. Every bit of our training is in that direction. Learn to thank God for making His demands known.

Love is....

I just received this in an email from a friend and just had to post it. I just love what it says. So here it is:

THE BEST EXPRESSION OF LOVE IS TIME

The importance of things can be measured by how much time we are willing to invest in them. The more time you give to something, the more you reveal its importance and value to you. If you want to know a person's priorities, just look at how they use their time.

Time is your most precious gift because you only have a set amount of it. You can make more money, but you can't make more time. When you give someone your time, you are giving them a portion of your life that you'll never get back. Your time is your life. That is why the greatest gift you can give someone is your time.

It is not enough just to say relationships are important: we must prove it by investing time in them. Words alone are worthless. "My children, our love should not be just words and talk: it must be true love, which shows itself in action". Relationships take time and effort and the best way to spell love is "T-I-M-E."

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves. Men, in particular, often don't understand this. Many have said to me, "I don't understand my wife and kids. I provide everything they need. What more could they want?" They want you! Your eyes, your ears, your time, your attention, your presence, your focus, your time. Nothing can take the place of that.

The most desired gift of love is not diamonds or roses or chocolate. It is focused attention. Love concentrates so intently on another that you forget yourself at that moment. Attention says, "I value you enough to give you my most precious asset-my time". Whenever you give your time, you are making a sacrifice, and sacrifice is the essence of love. Jesus modeled this: "Be full of love for others, following the example of Christ who loved you and gave Himself to God as a sacrifice to take away your sins."

You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving , "God so loved the world that he gave...." Love means giving up-yielding my preferences, comfort, goals, security, money, energy, or time for the benefit of someone else.

THE BEST TIME TO LOVE IS NOW

Why is now the best time to express love? Because you don't know how long you will have the opportunity. Circumstances change. People die. Children grow up. You have no guarantee of tomorrow. If you want to express love, you had better do it now.

The best use of life is love. The best expression of love is time. The best time to love is now.

And the best is: GOD is LOVE!!

Cracked Lenses

I seriously love the way GOD speaks through reading. As I was writing an update to my email list (you all reading this) I took time out to have my quiet time last night. I really liked Our Daily Bread for October 3, 2007. You can click on the link to the right and read it in its entirety if you'd like, but this is what stuck out to me in this place I feel I am in presently.

In life, pain often functions like cracked lenses. It creates within us a conflict between what we experience and what we believe....As we turn our eyes to the Lord in times of pain and struggle, we will experience His comfort and hope in our daily lives. He will help us to see everything clearly again.
—Bill Crowder

"I don't know"

On Friday, I desperately needed and WANTED to hear from GOD. At times, I don't feel like I am doing all that great since returning home. It seems like more days are struggles than are not. It is really a million things that are going on in my head and heart at the moment. And as much as I hate that old saying "I don't know"..............well, that is what is true right now in my life. I hate this saying because it is really saying "I don't want to go there....so I don't know." I truly do not know what is going on in my life at the moment and that is most of the problem. I don't know why I am struggling and that two or three days a week seem rough emotionally.

Why is it I start crying for no reason. Life is good in some aspects and a hard struggle in others. However, this is nothing new or different, especially for me. Life is always like this. I actually had a friend recently say she didn't know how I did it, because just being my friend was exhausting enough. I knew exactly what it was she was saying.

So back to my original thought, GOD speaking to me when I so desperately Wanted and needed HIM too. I opened up "God Calling" after I so cried out to HIM and here is what I read and felt HE was speaking to me.

Beloved, you are called to save and share in a very special way. The way of sorrows if walked with Me, the Man of Sorrows, is a path kept sacred and secret for My nearest and dearest, those whose one desire is to do all for Me, to sacrifice all for Me, to count, as My servant Paul did, "all things but loss so that they might gain Me." But, dreary as that Path must look to those who view it only from afar, it has tender lights and restful shades that no other walk in life can give.

I have wanted to write all weekend, but without my computer it is hard to do so whenever I have a thought or want too. Then today, I reread something I received from a friend recently. It is a poem, thoughts she wrote and I just feel like sharing them here with this message.

Do you look life in the eyes

do you look life in the eyes
or do you shy away
from yourself and it
for what it really is

life is one though
dreary long road

but in between
the struggles and
pain and disappointments

there are rays of hope
grace and love

these can be found in the
simple things
like a beautiful sunset,
the clouds on a clear day
the hug of a good friend
the voice of someone familiar

do you accept your
life for what it is

an opportunity for God
to grow your heart and your spirit

and do you Cherish the opportunity
to share your life with people
you meet along the way.

search your heart, search for light and when you find it be the mirror that reflects it to a broken and burdened world. Love always, Vibeke

I read this and then "Living the Message" for today, which said:

Jeremiah did not resolve to stick it out for twenty-three years, no matter what; he got up every morning with the sun. The day was God's day, not the people's. He didn't get up to face rejection, he got up to meet with God. He didn't rise to put up with another round of mockery, he rose to be with his Lord. That is the secret of his persevering pilgrimage- not thinking with dread about the long road ahead but greeting the present moment, every present moment, with obedient delight, with expectant hope: "My heart is ready!"

This is true for me presently and I am reminded that we all go through different seasons of life at different times. I am just in a season right now. I do have JOY and Peace in my heart........I just don't feel 'happy' a couple days a week. I do wish I knew why. But maybe right now I am not suppose to know why. GOD knows I am not afraid to go deep, so I am not just using 'I don't know' as an excuse. I am ready and willing to go there, where ever there is. I am very ready to 'pick up my mat and go' as Matthew 9:6 talks about and a friend shared so wonderfully. I am also ready just to REST in the place GOD has me at the moment. Who says that we have to be 'happy' all the time. I will REST in this season that the LORD has placed me in. It is about being present in the moment, seizing it for all it has, whether that moment is good or bad I want to be fully present in it.

A line from the movie, "Notting Hill", comes to mind. It is where Julia Roberts stands in front of Hugh Grant and says: "I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her." It is where I feel I am at, but it is not standing in front of a boy. It is me standing in front of JESUS and saying, "I am just a little girl, standing at the foot of the cross, asking HIM to take me in HIS arms and never letting go."

Teacher's Heart

In my Bible curriculum for my students there is a section at the beginning of each lesson titled "Teacher's Heart".

The one for lesson 2 reminded me of something that GOD has been teaching me over the last year while being away from friends and family. Spending a year away and alone with HIM. And something that is important to me presently, something about having balance. Finding the time, by taking hold of or making the most of each moment GOD gives us daily. Seizing those moments to meet the RISEN CHRIST in. Some days and weeks that almost seems like a chore as well. Anyways, here is what it said:

Teacher's Heart: As busy teachers, we find it easy to spend nearly every waking hour thinking, planning, and doing for our students. Most of the time this is unintentional; we simply come to the end of the day and realize that we've no time left for ourselves, our family, or even the Lord. Take a moment to evaluate your growth in the four areas mentioned above. Are you taking time (or making time!) to care for your physical body- the temple of the Holy Spirit? Do you make an effort to learn things that you really want to learn (putting professional in-services aside)? Do you take time for (Are you ready for this?) fun with family and friends? Most of all, are you making time for God on a daily basis? Since we minister from the overflow of all that God gives us we need to realize that any effort expended in these areas adds to our teaching, not detracts from it. As Martha learned in John 12, "being" is as important as "doing."

I think you could put anything in there in place of teaching, like where it says: "...we need to realize that any effort expended in these areas adds to our LIFE, not detracts from it." I think all of us find at times, no matter what our occupation, that there is no time left at the end of a day for ourselves, our family (community), or even the LORD. Yet, if we find the time, or better yet, take the time it adds to our life and doesn't detract from it.

It has taken me a LONG while to get a balance in my life, and I am still working on it. I know presently that I NEED to take time to work out, have a quiet time, read, and spend time in community with others on a daily basis along with teaching.

But I wonder how often we pass up taking, actually making the time to just "BE" and not worry about the "DOING" or about not having enough time?

Finished Book

I have finally finished reading "Sex God" by Rob Bell. The rest of the chapters really confirmed so much that GOD has been speaking in my heart. They were encouraging, and though at times I felt like he was giving men a bad rap so to speak...............they were very good. I choose not to write about any more chapters because you need to read it and see how GOD speaks to you through Bell's words.

I would really recommend reading this book if you get a chance (by the way, chapter 5 has remained my favorite, though chapter 6 was up there too).

I have now picked up "Soul Cravings" by Erwin McManus. Stating that, I would ask for your prayers. Every time I have read one of his books I have been so blessed and encouraged, yet came under a lot of spiritual warfare as well.

I look with anticipation to how GOD will speak through this book. For I long to see HIM, the RISEN CHRIST in everything.

RISK

Wow, chapter 5 of "Sex God" has to be my favorite so far. Rob Bell starts the chapter by using a story from a junior high dance. Bring back any memories for any of you? You know when the girls stand on one side and the boys on the other side of the room. When one decides to take that great "risk" by walking across the room.

He writes: "Anytime we move toward another in any way, we are taking a risk. A risk that [they] may say no. Our gesture may not get returned. Our invitation may be rejected. Our love may not be reciprocated."

GOD created us to have freedom to love who we want, or to not love anybody we want. It is a risk HE takes in creating and loving us. HE will risk knowing that we may hand it back unwanted. Oh, how HIS Heart must break.

Bell states: "The story the Bible tells is of a living being who loves and who continues to love even when that love is not returned. A God who refuses to override our freedom, who respects our power to decide whether to reciprocate, a God who lets us make the next move."

He continues on in a section titled, "Love Is..." Love is handing over your heart and risking that it will be handed back unwanted. Love is giving another the power to choose. Love is giving away you. Love is surrendering.

I think this is and will be my favorite chapter because it is about risking. It's an invitation to RISK.

One of the most encouraging words I have every received came in a card from one of my dearest and most loved friends as I left for Korea.

She wrote: "In spite of your tears that flow freely, you are one of the strongest people I know. Being able to love others as you do and give of yourself to them as you have, requires great strength. That is because it involves taking a risk. Risks which you freely take knowing there may be painful consequences."

As I read this chapter I recalled her words. I had saved her card in my Bible. It is not my strength she is talking about. It isn't me who risks, for I know the pain has and is too much for me to bear, especially knowing how many times I have risked and handed my heart out to have it returned unwanted. The only way I could have done that and continue to do that is through, in, and with CHRIST JESUS, my SAVIOR, my EVERYTHING.

Though GOD knows what it is like, HE keeps Loving, keeps Offering, and keeps Risking.

If HE can continue to Risk, then maybe we can find a reason to Risk too!

Always when....

....you need HIM, HE is right on time. Especially with a timely word that not only encourages but touches somewhere deep inside and speaks to your heart.

The words spoken in "Our Daily Bread" and "God Calling" could not have spoken more to my heart right now. They were BOTH on the same topic. They used Matthew 11:28.

Then I have to add that "Living the Message" just added and confirmed the way the other two spoke to my heart. As well as, how GOD has been speaking through the book I am reading. They just all fit. It referenced John 8:31-32 and said:

The claim of the gospel is that it puts us in touch with reality- all of it, not just a part. It puts us in touch with God who creates and with the people and world He created. It puts us in touch with a Christ who redeems and the people whom He loves. It puts us in touch with our feelings of hope and despair, with our thoughts of doubt and faith, with our acts of virtue and vice. It puts us in touch with Everything, visible and invisible, right and wrong, good and evil. It puts us in touch....

"Sex God" Chapter 4

This chapter to me is about 'contentment' as well as the idea of 'wanting more'.

Are you content with where you are? Where life has taken you and is taking you? Are you content with who you are? Have you ever asked 'if'? Or, do you plainly want more?....I could go on and on with these questions. Look at Adam and Eve, they wanted this one piece of fruit. They weren't content with what they had. They thought they were missing out on something and wanted more. Look where it got them and us for that matter.

Rob Bell wrote:
The idea creeps into our head and heart that we are lacking, that we are incomplete, that this craving in front of us is the answer.

The "if" means we have become attached to the idea that we are missing something and that we can be satisfied by whatever it is we have in our sights. There's a hole, a space, a gap, and we're on the search. And we may not even realize it. When we are in the right place, the right space- content and at peace- we aren't on the search, and our radar gets turned off.

Whatever it is that has its hooks in you, you will never be free from it until you find something you want more. It's not about getting rid of desire. It's about giving ourselves to bigger and better and more powerful desires.

What are you channeling your energies into? Because they will go somewhere.

If they don't go into a few, select, disciplined pursuits that you are passionate about and are willing to give your life to, then they'll dissipate into all sorts of urges and cravings that won't even begin to bring the joy that the "one thing" could.

Life is not about toning down and repressing your God-given life force. It's about channeling it and focusing it and turning it loose on something beautiful, something pure and true and good, something that connects you with GOD, with others, with the world.

What do you want more?

As I read these parts I thought I should be writing it in my owns words, but thought that he wrote them better than I could. So I used his words here and kept asking myself: Are you content Kimie? What is it you want more of?

The answer surprised me in a way. I am content, but then I am not. I don't feel connected is why I don't feel content. It is weird, but I feel less connected now to GOD and others than when I was away in Korea. If that makes sense. But I know it is a place where GOD wants and needs me to be at the present time. It is still a part of my journey and the path GOD is leading me down.

The bigger picture is that I AM CONTENT, but the thing that I WANT MORE.............Well, that is MORE of GOD. My heart aches and cries for more of HIM right now. I can't explain it, but I not only WANT, but NEED HIM like I feel I never have before.

Trust...

This is something that was given to me and I shared with others four years ago today. It is a great source of encouragement as I think about the words I have heard GOD speak to me in the past. And reminded of the hope and faith I have in TRUSTING in HIM. I know many think I am crazy for waiting and believing and saying I know as I do, but this is my hearts cry and I trust GOD. HE spoke to me about my future back in Bali and I TRUST what I heard HIM say. Then at the end of July HE spoke again by using Habakkuk 2:3. How can I not wait on and trust in HIM? So here is what was shared with me four years ago this day..........and yes, I am STILL WAITING ON HIM, and him.

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone...to have a deep soul relationship with another...to be loved thoroughly and exclusive. But God to a Christian says NO, not until you are satisfied, fulfilled and content with being loved by me alone...with giving yourself totally and unreservedly to me...to having an intensively personal and unique relationship with me alone, discovering that only in me is your satisfaction to be found and only then will you be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. I want you to stop planning, stop wishing and allow me to give you the most thrilling plan existing..one that you cannot imagine. I want you to have the best, Please allow me to bring it to you. You just keep experiencing the satisfaction that I AM. Keep listening and learning the things I tell you. You must wait. That's all. My timing is perfect for you. Don't be anxious, don't worry. Don't look around at the things others have gotten or what I've given them. Don't look at the things you think you want. You just keep looking off and away up at me, or you'll miss what I have to show you. And then, when you are ready, I'll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than anything you would dream of. You see, until you are ready and until the one I have for you is ready (I am working even at this moment to have both of you ready at the same time). Until you are both satisfied exclusively with me and the life I prepared for you, you won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with me, and is thus perfect love. And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love. I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with me. I AM EL SHADI (Most loving and almighty). Believe and be satisfied.

'For I know the plan I have for you declares the Lord. Plan to give you hope and a future...You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.' Jeremiah 29:11,13

'Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.' Proverbs 3:5-6

I also found this where I had the above encouragement saved. I reread it tonight and found it to be a source of encouragement and reminding about what TRUST in HIM looks like. It was also shared with me four years ago on August 16, 2003. So I am going to add it as well:

Been Thinking About: What Trust Looks Like
A monthly article by RBC Ministries President Mart De Haan

What does trust look like when we can't explain our trouble, or see beyond it?

Listening to others as they try to show faith in crisis can be confusing. Some say they are "believing God" for a job, restored health, a reconciled marriage, or the return of a prodigal. Others say reliance on Him means accepting that His ways are not necessarily our ways.

In the waiting room of prayer and helplessness, I've concluded that questions about what it means to trust God can be almost as troubling as the problem itself. I've also discovered that it is for those struggles that the wisdom of the Bible has been given to us.

Don't be too hard on yourself. The most godly men and women of the past were deeply disturbed by the crises of their lives. King David wouldn't eat or be comforted as he pleaded with God for the life of his dying child (2 Samuel 12:16-17). Even though David was a man after God's own heart, the songs and groans of his life reflect recurring fear and despair (Psalm 6:1-7). Job's experience was similar. In the dark nights of his loss, his first expressions of trust turned to bitter anguish (Job 3:1-26). Then there was childless Hannah. Her prayers for a baby were so deep and emotional that her priest accused her of being drunk (1 Samuel 1:13-15). Even the apostle Paul had "great heaviness and continual grief" for unsaved family and friends (Romans 9:2). Together they show us that trust can cry, and groan, and even doubt.

Expect to be misunderstood by others. In times of profound loss and concern, even our best friends will try to make sense of what has happened to us. They may forget that people do not suffer in proportion to their wrongs. Some pay quickly for their mistakes. Others do not. Some suffer for being foolish while others are punished for being wise (Psalm 73:1-14).

Such irony complicated the ancient tragedy of Job. When his friends heard him express bitterness and despair, they wrongly assumed that he was suffering for a secret sin (Job 4:1-9). Although they came to his side to divide his pain, they ended up multiplying it (Job 16:2).

Don't be afraid to be honest with God. An elderly Abraham laughed at the absurdity of God's promise to make him the father of many nations. Jacob wrestled with his Lord over the uncertainty of what lay ahead. David openly expressed his despair and helplessness in circumstances beyond his control. Job accused God of being unfair.

When heaven seemed to be ignoring them, they said so. When they thought they had an argument, they expressed it. They learned to trust God in the dark valleys of their doubts.

Take one step at a time. Sometimes it helps to break the journey down into small steps. Jesus encouraged us not to worry about tomorrow since today has enough of its own problems (Matthew 6:34). In the weakness of turbulent and unsteady emotions we may need to settle for short steps, the wisdom of the moment (James 1:6), and the present reassurance of the one who says, "I will never leave you nor forsake you" (Hebrews 13:5).

Don't be self-destructive. In times of disappointment or distress we need to avoid quick fixes that are harmful or self-destructive. None of us can afford addictions that kill the pain for the moment but complicate our problems in the long run. While there is a time for sedatives and pain killers (Proverbs 31:6-7), they can be abused at great risk to ourselves and others (Proverbs 31:4-5; 20:1). We also need to ask God to help us avoid taking out our anxiety, anger, or despair on those around us. Lashing out can be its own kind of addiction.

Don't underestimate God. One of the great truths of the Bible is that when we are helpless, God is not. A wise person has said, "Of this I am sure: There is a God. And it's not me." If God doesn't answer our prayers in the time and manner that we've asked, it's because He can see what we cannot.

Joseph learned to trust God after being sold into slavery by his older brothers. When he was reunited with them later in life, he was able to say, "As for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good" (Genesis 50:20).

Ask but don't demand. In desperate circumstances we are apt to think we know what we need from God. Like a small child who cannot be consoled, we are inclined to beg Him for what we want, when we want it. In those moments God understands our weakness and fear. Yet He is also the One who uses the depth of the Grand Canyon, the power of Niagara, or the wonder of the night sky to calm us in His presence (Job 38-41). Christian philosopher Francis Schaeffer observes, "When I am in the presence of God, it seems profoundly unbecoming to demand anything" (see Job 42).

Doubt yourself. Job finally got to the place of doubting himself more than he doubted God. After being reminded of the eternal power and infinite genius of the God of creation, he fell to his knees. From a heart that was both broken and relieved, Job said, "I know that You can do everything, and that no purpose of Yours can be withheld from You. You asked 'who is this who hides counsel without knowledge?' Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know.... I have heard of You by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees You" (Job 42:2-6).

Father in heaven, we want to trust You. But sometimes we get so confused. Please forgive us for wanting answers so that we don't have to trust You. Thank You for being so patient with us. Please help us to have the same patience with You, as we wait to see that Your plans and timing are better than our own.

PRAISE you LORD JESUS that I am STILL WAITING ON YOU, and him. I know that some day GOD will be completely Glorified in all of this part of my journey. This journey of waiting, and when so many have doubted or felt sorry for me.........I PRAISE YOU that YOU NEVER gave up on me. That YOU, LORD JESUS, stayed true to your word. Forgive me now for my doubt when I let the world and others come in and begin to doubt what I heard from you. Forgive me when I feel the word spoken will not come to be. PRAISE YOU, that you do still love me and continue to encourage me and reminding me to TRUST in and WAIT on YOU!!